Mike Moser "I Say" Published March 12, 2004

We need to get a legal grip

I am thinking about suing someone.

Oh, I don't know who specifically, just someone. After all, hasn't suing become the national pastime. It does seem to be the "in" thing to do and I would just hate to be left out of the "in crowd."

If people can sue a fast food restaurant because their coffee was too hot or because their tongue got burned on a hot pickle, I feel like I have just as big a complaint as the java victim. I wonder if anyone has sued because their fast food coffee was too cold.

These days convicted felons break into homes and then sue their victims when the homeowner beats them about the head and shoulders for the invasion of the victim's castle. But I digress.

I have lost my hair on the top of my head and something has got to be responsible for my lack of dome cover. My mother had this theory when I was growing up that wearing football helmets and ball caps would cause premature baldness.

It appears she was right and therefore, your honor, I would like to call my first witness, my mom.

She predicted this so she has expert knowledge on ball cap-caused baldness.

I think I will sue the makers of baseball caps. Growing up during my formidable years in Minnesota, I was an avid Twins fan and much like the credit card commercial, I never left home without my trusty Minnesota Twins baseball cap.

If I was awake, the ball cap was on except in the house where I was dutifully taught that ball caps were not to be worn. Well, OK, I did sneak the cover on a few times in my bedroom when mom wasn't looking.

Since the Twins are the apparent cause of my ball cap malady, I should name them in the lawsuit as well as naming the manufacturer of the ball cap. And while I am at it, let's sue Major League Baseball. Now there is a pool of money.

Ridiculous?

Of course it is. Is it any more ridiculous than someone suing a fast food place because they over ate and got fat? I don't think so. Only thing more ridiculous is the highest lawmaking body in this country, congress, even considering banning lawsuits against fast food restaurants on the grounds the high calorie menu caused fatness.

I would think congress would have more on its plate than considering frivolous legislation in response to frivolous lawsuits.

Thank goodness we in Cumberland County have a bar association that does not include members who file such lawsuits. Can't be said nationwide and unfortunately, it appears the American Bar Association does not have the ability to police its members when it comes to frivolous lawsuits.

Congress should be considering legislation but not to protect fast food places from fat suers.
How does one spell relief? R-E-F-O-R-M.

Congress should be considering tort reform. Then we might be able to return to our national pastime and wear our ball caps with pride, baldness be damned.

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Mike Moser is the editor of the Crossville Chronicle. His column is published periodically on Fridays.