David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published March 1, 2005

A dog playing chess ... now THAT might be a sport

I like a dog as much as the next guy. Well, not really. Let's admit what we know. A dog stinks. A dog demands your attention. A dog has little, if any, self-respect. Any mammal that willingly wears pink patent-leather jumpsuits and is content to spend its existence on the arm of Paris Hilton doesn't get high marks from me.

I'm more of a cat person. Cats don't need you, and you don't need them. It's a beautiful example of a mutually ambivalent relationship. A cat will give you attention when and only when you deserve it. I like that. Cats have attitude. And as far as cool goes, cats are graded on a totally different scale than dogs. Even the biggest rube of a geek cat is cooler than the hippest dog. If Paris tried to haul a cat from Hollywood hotspot to Hollywood hotspot, those scrawny arms would be sliced and diced to bloody stumps, and that wouldn't be a good look, not even for Paris Hilton.

But I don't hate dogs. I had a dog growing up, and she was great. It's just that cats fit me better.

I know there are plenty of dog people out there, Paris notwithstanding. That's why the Westminster dog show is so popular. Dog people enjoy it. It's like a week-long Oscars party, except the Westminster judges are a little more, shall we say, "touchy feely" than the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences voters. I'm sure there are a few voters who wouldn't mind giving Johnny Depp a "Westminster grab," but I wouldn't advise it.

But here's the big mystery in my mind: Why was the dog show on ESPN? Why was it on the big daily newspapers' sports pages? Since when is trotting around Madison Square Garden with an overbred chow considered a sport?

In this country we're too quick to label the slightest undertaking as "sport." I have my own thoughts on what constitutes a sport, but let's defer to an impartial third party -- it would be the sportsmanlike thing to do. My dictionary defines sport as " an activity involving physical exertion and skill that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often undertaken competitively." That sounds pretty good. The key points are activity, physical exertion, rules and competition.

Is a dog show an activity? Sure it is. Pretty much everything's an activity to some degree. Is there skill involved? Yes, I suppose there is. I wouldn't know how to brush out a shih-tzu. Rules? Of course. I have no idea what they are, but certainly there must be some. For all I know, kibble is a performance-enhancing substance in the world of dog shows. Competition? You bet. These aren't your average dog owners. These people are obsessive.

I saved the physical exertion point for last because, in my mind, it's most important. Physical exertion in dog shows? No way. The handlers are jogging for a few seconds, but this is not physical exertion. I run faster than that when I hear my 2-year-old open the refrigerator. If showing a dog is a sport, so is parenting. Referring back to my trusty dictionary, the definition of physical exertion is "the activity of exerting your muscles in various ways to keep fit." No one at the dog show is exerting themselves in a cocktail dress and pumps.

If dog shows are sports, I suppose beauty pageants are too. It's the same basic concept. There are events, scoring, preparation, losers, winners. I guess the winners' sashes are different.

And when did chess become a sport? I frequently see chess coverage on sports pages and TV sports shows, but chess is not a sport. Chess is a board game. It's a complex board game whose masters are some of the brightest thinkers in the world, but it's a board game nonetheless. Like the dog show, the physical exertion point sinks chess as a sport. Generally speaking, if you can gain weight while competing in a given activity, it's not a sport. That's why fishing isn't a sport. The same goes for video games, bridge, checkers, Tiddlywinks or competitive eating.

And poker? It's suddenly fashionable to play poker, and sports editors all over the country provide coverage. While poker does feature two significant sports-related sidebars -- gambling and injury -- it's still not a sport. Even if you get caught with a king up your sleeve and must fight off a table of enraged players, thereby satisfying the physical exertion point, it's still not a sport. ESPN might want you to think it's a sport, but we know better.

I'll give car racing a sporting nod. It has an element of danger and it must be physically exhausting. I'm whipped after only 240 miles to see the in-laws. Five hundred miles must take its toll, but I'd like to see Jeff Gordon or Dale Jr. do it with two little kids in the back. Stopping every 50 miles for a potty break? Now that's sportsmanship.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.