David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published April 12, 2005

I'm a tiny, little nut in the Star Wars galaxy

I'm as big a Star Wars fan as the next guy. Well, OK, that's probably not true. Chances are that the next guy's basement isn't jam-packed with hundreds and hundreds of vintage Star Wars toys from the 1970s and '80s. Mine is. I'm sure the next guy has seen the Star Wars movies, possibly even anxiously anticipates next month's final installment, but he probably doesn't own the official Star Wars LCD clock-calculator-ruler combo still mint in the box from 1983. I do.

For me, collecting Star Wars goodies is a tie to my youth, when my biggest concern was whether I should ask Santa for a Darth Vader TIE fighter or the battery-operated electric toothbrush in the shape of a lightsaber. Mom and Dad made it very clear that Santa didn't bring ALL the toys a good boy wanted, just the ones at the top of the list. So now, a quarter century later, I'm old enough to circumvent Santa's restraints and buy the electric toothbrush myself, still sealed in its original package.

Of course, like any other nonsensical obsession, my urge to collect has continued through the years, and I find myself with a rather bizarre looking basement. To people who don't know me, I'm sure I look like a bit of a nut. The people who know me will confirm that I am indeed a nut, but that assessment has very little to do with the R2-D2 coolers wedged next to my TV. The depth of my nuttiness extends much further than my basement.

Even though I'm probably the biggest Star Wars fan YOU know, I'm not even in the same galaxy as those people we've seen on the news who are camping out weeks in advance for movie tickets. Let's check the calendar, shall we? Today is April 12. The next Star Wars flick comes out on May 19, more than a month from now, and some folks have been in line for a couple of weeks. When it's all said and done, they will have been in line for about two months!

We all know what they say about people who live in glass houses, and it's doubly true for a person who lives in a glass house in which a Millennium Falcon is suspended from the basement ceiling. That being said, come on! Two months waiting in line to see a movie!? That's just -- weird.

Their reason for doing it isn't all that weird, relatively. Investing so much effort in order to be among the first to see a movie is weird, but people do weird things all the time. They parachute from the Eiffel Tower. They give their 7-year-old sons mohawks. They watch Ashton Kutcher movies. They buy Hummers.

For me, the weirdest part is actually a two-pronged issue. First, the fact that anyone who has two months of free time to spend waiting outside of Grauman's Chinese Theater is baffling. I'm thrilled if I can find the time to squeeze in a haircut during the week. There are incarcerated felons who don't have that much time on their hands. "Gee, I'd like to sit on the sidewalk for eight weeks, but I've got a thing Thursday at 4."

Second, if I did somehow have two months with nothing to do, I can't imagine I'd spend that block of time waiting in line. There aren't many aspects of modern life I find more aggravating than that. My blood pressure soars during rush hour. At the grocery store check-out aisle, I get a vein on my forehead you could tow a car with. At the end of eight weeks, I'd be a basketcase. George Lucas himself would need to sedate me.

The coup de grace is that Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith isn't even scheduled to show at Grauman's. The sidewalk-bound fans insist that it will be shown, but for now, officially, they're waiting at the wrong theater. So perhaps we should add a third prong of weirdness: Not only do they have two months' free time and they're spending it waiting in line, but there's a chance that, come May 19, it could all be for nothing.

Suddenly I'm not feeling so weird, although you really should see my ceramic C-3PO tape dispenser. It's on my ceramics shelf right next to a Yoda mug and the snowspeeder toothbrush holder.

· · ·
David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.