David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published June 14, 2005

A birthday and Father's Day? Good news and bad news times two

I have double good news and double bad news.

I know what you're thinking. When someone says they have good news and bad news, they often follow it with a choice. You can either get the good news first or the bad news first. It's an interesting dilemma, really. The answer you give tells a lot about your personality. If you want the bad news first, you're the type who would rather get the the nastiness out of the way quickly so you can get to the good news. You don't need instant gratification and would prefer to end the conversation on a positive note.

The other choice is hearing the good news first. You'd rather brace yourself for the bad news by first hearing the good news. Sometimes a happy thought can make bad news easier to tolerate. Like Mary Poppins said, "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down."

But I have double good news and double bad news. How do you want it? Since the writer/reader relationship is decidedly one-sided, I have determined that we'll go good, good, bad, bad. Let's just say I could use all the instant gratification I can get.

Good News No. 1: My birthday is this weekend! I'll be 35, and you know what that means. I can finally run for president! Some people are freaked out by birthdays, but not me.

I can see it now. It starts with a grassroots movement; citizens meeting in church basements and elementary school auditoriums working to devise a political plan of action designed to take back the federal government from beltway insiders and return it to the hands of the people. Inexplicably moved by my column about the metric system, someone mentions my name as a possible candidate. Word spreads throughout the state, the South, then the East Coast until finally I find myself accepting my party's nomination at our national convention. Early polling shows a commanding 64 percent share of would-be voters, but the inevitable scandal erupts. (Curse that liberal media! You take one measly bribe and you're labeled a crook forever.) My numbers plummet, disillusioned supporters openly weep in the streets, and Larry King no longer returns my phone calls. On Election Day, Chris Matthews refuses to even utter the word "landslide" and instead refers to my loss as the Electoral College's first ever "disembowelment." I end my presidential run with three electoral votes. Thank you, Wyoming.

Good News No. 2: Sunday is Father's Day. At the risk of stating the incredibly obvious, Father's Day is a whole lot better when you're, well, you know, a father. You can sleep late, lounge around all day, watch the final 18 of the U.S. Open, eat whatever you like for dinner and then take the rest of the evening off to recuperate from a long day of inactivity. It's almost like your birthday, which brings me to ...

Bad News No. 1: Father's Day and my birthday are on the same day. Come on! Who was in charge of filling out the calendar this year? I wish this meant Sunday will be doubly good and doubly festive, but we all know that just won't be the case. I have no doubt Sunday will be a special day, but you simply cannot cram a proper birthday and a proper Father's Day into the same 24-hour period. It's like going to a buffet and ordering twice.

Bad News No. 2: I will get absolutely no pity from my wife. She does her best to give me a fun birthday every year. She also thinks I'm a pretty fair dad, so she make every effort to ensure I enjoy Father's Day, too. That being said, she won't be breaking out the tiny violin and playing me a sad, sad song on Sunday. You see, she's used to this sort of thing. Her birthday is New Year's Day -- seven days after Christmas. She's told me countless stories about getting "combination gifts" intended to cover both her birthday and Christmas. Jan. 1 is a difficult time to celebrate. Most people did plenty of "celebrating" the night before, so by the time her birthday rolls around the next day, they're pretty well celebrated out. All they want to do is lie around on the couch with a bottle of aspirin and watch college bowl games all day.

So there you have it, the double good news and the double bad news. I can only hope I'll find the strength to carry on and look forward to next year's celebration(s). In 2006 my birthday is on a Monday, the day after Father's Day. But things are looking up. Despite my forecasted presidential election loss and national embarrassment in 2008, Father's Day falls on June 15. That's four days to gear up for my 38th birthday. Let the good times roll!

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.