David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Jan. 24, 2006

Sometimes lunch is like a Fellini movie

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you're in the middle of a Fellini movie?

My wife and I recently took our kids on a bizarre, disconnected trip to Chuck E. Cheese's, the likes of which could have been a scene from 8 1/2. Parenthetically for those of you who don't know what Chuck E. Cheese is, it's a pizza place for kids. It has video games, Skee Ball, animatronic singing bears, an indoor playground and dozens of other amusements designed to distract you from what is consistently some of the worst pizza sold in America. But my kids love the place, so every once in a long while we treat them to a visit.

Our last visit was truly odd, and the peculiarities started the moment I walked through the door and heard "I'll Tumble 4 Ya" over the house speakers. Why is a kids' pizza restaurant playing a Culture Club tune from the early 1980s? I have no real answer.

For those of you too young or too old or for those who had better things to do with their early teen years than watch MTV all afternoon like I did, I'll explain Culture Club. They were a band led by a flamboyantly gay lead singer named Boy George. They had a string of hits in the '80s and were heavily played on a then-new music cable channel called MTV. For some inexplicable reason, androgyny was big in the '80s, and no one was "swishier" than Boy George. Looking back on it, even tough-guy heavy metal musicians looked rather girly. Like I said, androgyny was cool, totally to the max. Is it any wonder my generation is so confused?
Anyway, the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese's characters lip-synch along with the music and pretend to play instruments, not unlike many of the original '80s music acts themselves. I guess I had never noticed during our other expeditions to Chuck E. Cheese, but ALL of the music played there were hits from the '80s.

Imagine the scene: First off, a guy like me has children. That's pretty bizarre on its own. There we are in a brightly colored dining room with enough visual and aural overstimulation to make the folks at Disney World wince. We're eating greasy pizza with plastic forks while a band of mechanized robots made up to look like cartoon characters sings along to a 20-year-old song originally performed by British men who liked to dress, um, in dresses. It would have been enough to give poor Federico nightmares.

As the band played on, I jotted down more songs. It's rather embarrassing that I knew the titles, but I guess all of those hours watching MTV came in handy -- eventually. I won't go into detail on the titles, but my generational cohorts will recognize them immediately. Allow me to turn over the playlist to Martha Quinn: "What I Like About You" by The Romantics, "Working For The Weekend" by Loverboy, "I'm All Right" by Kenny Loggins, "Big Country" by Big Country, "Driving My Life Away" by Eddie Rabbitt, and "Make A Wish" by Admit 2. There was even "Daydream Believer" by The Monkees. The Monkees were a '60s group, but they had a resurgence in the '80s, so I guess they still count.
But there's more, and it's even weirder.

What would a Fellini film be without some unexplainable sexuality? There was a woman with two small boys at Chuck's that day. She wore a low-low-cut, skintight shirt and a pair of hip-hugging, low-slung jeans. I should select my words carefully here. Let me go on record as saying I'm not anti-cleavge. I like cleavage as much or more than the average red-blooded guy.

That being said, who goes to Chuck E. Cheese's for lunch dressed like that? All she needed was a sign around her waist that read, "Please look at me! Please oh please notice me!" If that's the way she dresses for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese's on a Wednesday, how does she dress for a Saturday night date or an evening of club-hopping with her friends?

Far be it from me to discourage cleavage. Very far be it. But ladies, pick your moments. My fellow men and I are simple-minded creatures. Cleavage at Chuck E. Cheese's is confusing to us. It taxes our wee little brains.

The final oddity was the elderly couple sitting in a corner quietly eating their salads. They didn't have any grandchildren with them. It was strange, so I watched them. They ate their salads and left alone. No kids were in sight.

Why would an elderly couple go to an over-the-top kids' restaurant without any kids? I can't even imagine a scenario in which that would make sense. What's the story there?

Parents find themselves doing things they wouldn't do if they didn't have kids. We buy minivans. We go to McDonald's. We videotape daily occurrences. We eat at Chuck E. Cheese's. Why would anyone without kids do any of those things? I haven't a clue.

Eating pizza on paper plates while a mechanized band of brightly colored robots sings 20-year-old pop songs as a busty woman and an elderly couple move in and out of the background: It's too bad Federico Fellini died 12 years ago. I have a screenplay that would be right up his alley.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net