David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Jan. 25, 2005

Deck the halls with boughs of Bubble Wrap

If I were you, I'd ask for Monday off. It's not a national holiday, but it should be. It might be my third favorite holiday, right behind Groundhog Day and Arbor Day.

Of course I'm speaking of National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. Nothing breaks the winter blahs better than spending an entire day honoring the wonders of Bubble Wrap.

We'll be having a very special celebration at the Spates house. The Bubble Wrap stockings are hung by the chimney with care. The day after we took down our icicle Christmas lights, we framed each exterior window in Bubble Wrap, and, if I do say so myself, this year's Bubble Wrap tree is the most beautiful and tasteful one we've ever done. It represents the true meaning of the holiday. It's so easy to let commercialism ruin a special day like this.

Every Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day begins bright and early when the kids, barely able to control their exuberance, wake us.

"Mommy! Daddy! It's National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day!" our 3-year-old daughter squeals. "Get up! Get up! Let's go see what Bubble Claus left for us!"

Even though our son is only 2, he too knows what fun and excitement lie ahead. "Bub bub!" he yelps. "Bub, bub!"

Then, as a family, we walk into the living room where the Bubble Wrap tree stands like a sentry over the columns and columns of rolled Bubble Wrap that Bubble Claus left for us the night before. The rest of the day is spent reveling in our bubbly bounty, popping those little plastic bubbles for hours on end. We eat, drink and merrily pop.

I know some of you think National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day is little more than a public-relations vehicle designed to get Americans to talk about, and thereby purchase, Bubble Wrap. "After all," you say, "National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day is only four years old. There's no history, no tradition, no ceremony, no purpose." Well, sure, if those are your criteria for a meaningful holiday, then perhaps you should celebrate a more dignified holiday like National Hot Dog Day on July 21 or Guy Fawkes Day on Nov. 5.

But National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day is special to me and my family. You can't take that away from us.

Perhaps you don't like National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day because you don't know, I mean really know, about Bubble Wrap. It was invented in 1960 by a couple of engineers trying to develop a plastic wallpaper. Bubble Wrap wasn't much of a wallpaper, but it makes a great packing material. The engineers, Marc Chavannes and Al Fielding, took their failed wallpaper and founded the Sealed Air Corporation. Forty-five years and $3.5 billion in annual sales later, we have National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. Fa la la la la.

The holiday was started in 2001 by a Bloomington, IN, radio station. Now, four years later, the station has upped the ante with its inaugural Bubblympiad. In all seriousness, I have no idea what they're going to be doing during the Bubblympiad. I'm not sure I want to know. I had always heard Indiana was a little, shall we say, different.

Anyway, there are only six shopping days left until National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. If you need some last-minute gift ideas, click over to www.sealedair.com. Most of the site is little more than corporate self-congratulatory nonsense, but there are some fun things like virtual Bubble Wrap popping and even a Bubble Wrap Material Personality Test. Cancel your appointment with your shrink -- everything you need to know about yourself is revealed in the way you pop Bubble Wrap.

For instance, if you "pop each bubble individually, starting at the top and moving across the rows to the bottom of the sheet, then you are a Process Popper. Pragmatic and self-assured, you are a take-charge person who solves problems in a practical, straightforward manner. You have a realistic view of day-to-day tasks and tackle them with a sense of purpose." Conversely, "if you grasp it firmly in both hands and twist, popping the bubbles in rapid fire succession, then you are a Twist & Shout Popper. Unconventional and independent, as a highly individualistic person, you desire the freedom to plot your own course. You are action-oriented and like to see immediate results for your efforts."

It's too bad Freud didn't have Bubble Wrap in his day. While only slightly less addictive than cocaine, it's certainly a lot cheaper -- not to mention the unquestionable psychological insight it provides.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.