David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Jan. 18, 2005

At least I wasn't wearing a Barbie shirt at the time

There are plenty of parental moments that will cause a Dad like me to stop dead in his tracks. My 3-year-old daughter mocking my clothes is just such a moment.

"Dad, why are you wearing those clothes?" she asked, and, yes, she even hit the word "those."

Immediately, I flashed back to all those times when the wife and I were preparing for a night out on the town and she'd ask me, "You're not wearing that, are you?"

"Why, no!" I always felt like saying. "Don't be silly. These are the clothes I'm wearing for the walk to the garage. Once I get in the car, I'll change into more appropriate attire. I keep all of my good clothes in the backseat, as you know. I might even change clothes again once we reach the restaurant."

Guys expect wives and girlfriends (hopefully not both) to question their duds from time to time. It's just part of being in a relationship. Guys explain the infield fly rule to women, and women let guys know when they're dressed like a dork. Both sexes enjoy their tasks and perform them adequately.

That being said, I didn't expect I'd have to defend my attire to my 3-year-old. Is it a genetic thing? Are women naturally predisposed to question a man's clothes? You'd think they'd cut their old man a little slack.

And it's not as though I was wearing anything too awful -- an untucked flannel shirt with a red T-shirt underneath, a pair of jeans and a pair of red and gray Vans shoes. Certainly not the ensemble you'd see in GQ, but believe me, I've worn a lot worse.

A 3-year-old needling her father about his clothes? I was too shocked to even utter a response. As a stay-at-home dad, I don't "dress for success" much anymore, but I'd hate to think I was walking around town dressed like a fool.

She's had some other quotable quotes in the past year or so. For instance, she dressed up as a princess for Halloween. She had the frilly pink dress, the tiara, the 95-cent diamond necklace, the whole 9. She began the evening looking fresh, perfect and ready to take on the world, or at least relieve the world of some candy. After an hour of trick-or-treating, however, I returned home with a different princess. She was worn down. Her face was marked with dirt and scrapes where she took a header into a neighbor's holly bush. The bottom of her costume dress was ragged and snagged. A strawberry Dot was stuck in her hair. The tiara was listing hard to port.

"Dad," she said wearily, "Halloween is hard work." I think that be the first time she truly realized that even once-a-year fun can be exhausting. Even good times have a cost.

And that was just Halloween. I got a rather scary glimpse into my yearlong future recently when my daughter wanted to wear her Barbie shirt, a longtime favorite. The trouble is, as any parent knows, kids this young usually don't wear out their clothes. They grow out of them. They're growing so fast that clothes that fit perfectly a month ago suddenly are too small.

But not the Barbie shirt. Oh no. She asked me to find it so she could wear it. I did. After she put it on, I noticed that the sleeves were too short and the shirt didn't cover her midsection very well.

"Anna," I said, "let's find another shirt. That one is too small."

She promptly responded with two sentences I suspect I'll hear a few more times in the next 16 years or so. "No, Daddy, it's not too short. I like it like this!"

My stomach growled. My teeth began to sweat. I couldn't feel my toes. And so it begins.

I wonder how many times Britney Spears' father heard that. I shudder to think. Well, so much for sleeping tonight. Maybe if I keep strawberry Dots stuck in her hair, I won't have to worry about shirts that are too short.

· · ·
David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.