David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published April 26, 2005

The bachelor's life is a good one -- for now

This may come as shocking news to some of you, particularly my wife, but here it is: I'm a bachelor. Yes, despite being married all these years, my bachelorhood remains intact. I must confess. I've been living a double life. "Next, on Dr. Phil, men who have been married for years. They have great wives, fantastic kids, rewarding jobs, but it's not enough. They want to be bachelors. Men who adamantly refuse to give up their bachelorhood, on a very special Dr. Phil."

Actually, it's not as exciting as it sounds. I've been a bachelor for nearly 13 years. It's nothing new. My wife knows all the details, and she's fine with it. She supports my bachelorhood in every way you can imagine. She's a very modern woman.

I graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in communication studies with a journalism emphasis. I ran across my diploma recently, and I wondered why it's called a bachelor's degree, which is what a standard four-year jog through college gets you. A bachelor's degree sounds like I spent all my time researching messy apartments, studying the late-night bar scene, and analyzing why men willingly watch back-to-back airings of ESPN's SportsCenter even though it's the exact same show with the exact same commentary and the exact same highlights. Why, because we're bachelors, that's why! We have nothing better to do with our Saturday mornings.

A bachelor's degree - it is an odd term, don't you think? It seems to imply that something else is forthcoming, like a spousal degree or something. It's as though a bachelor's degree isn't quite complete yet.

I envision standing next to Flounder and Pinto while Dean Wormer lays it out for us. "OK, son, here's your bachelor's degree for now. Enjoy it. It'll help you get a good job. Make some money with it. But when you're ready to settle down and give up your bachelorhood, your spousal degree will be waiting for you. Just be sure to clean your bathroom a bit before you invite her over. Women hate messy bathrooms. Then, after you've gotten comfortable with your spousal degree for a while, you can step up to the parental degree. This is a biggie. In a way, it's a little like the bachelor's degree. Your home will once again be messy, but it won't be a fun-carefree-whimsy kind of messy like it was in your bachelor days. This is serious messy, and it just gets crazier as the years go by."

With my bachelor's degree firmly in place (or at least with the diploma safely tucked away in a closet somewhere), I pursued my spousal degree and a few years later my parental degree. Now, it's time to go after my master's degree. Boy, if that's not an overblown title I don't know what is. Master? I have no doubt that I'll earn my master's degree and then fulfill my desire to be a teacher, but I don't expect to be the "master" of anything. I'm not even the master of the remote control in my own home, and no amount of schooling is ever going to change that.

I can hear the graduation day conversation with my kids now. "I know you guys want to watch Spongebob, but daddy has his master's degree now. Hear ye, hear ye! This is the master speaking! I think it's time we watch SportsCenter. Now, hand over the remote."

I suppose I could go for my doctorate degree, but I don't really see the need, and my days are tight enough as it is. It would be cool though. If a guy ever collapsed in a restaurant and someone yelled out, "Is there a doctor in the house?" I could run over, diploma in hand, to see what's wrong.

"I'm a doctor!" I'd yell. "Stand back. I have a doctorate in Greek literature. Now what seems to be the problem?"

I always find it funny when someone who has a doctorate in a non-medical area of study insists on being called doctor. I guess I can understand if you're a college professor and the students address you as Dr. So-and-so, but otherwise it just seems a bit silly. If your doctorate is in economics or journalism or political science, you won't hear a "doctor" out of me. Sign your name with whatever extraneous letters you like, but I won't be playing along.

Maybe I'll start signing my name as "B.A. David Spates," just to ensure that people understand I have a bachelor of arts degree. I can't wait to get my master's degree, then the wife and kids will have to call me "master." I think I'd like that. I wonder where you go to school to become a "lord" or a "baron" or better yet a "duke." That would be fun to hear around the house.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.