David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published May 13, 2003

Women should have a shot at the best

We guys sure come up with some whacky rules, don't we? What is it with us?

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. According to the Guy Code of Conduct, I'm not supposed to be talking about this stuff, but I'm going to anyway. What will my brothers do? Revoke my membership? Here's the little secret: Many of us are full of it. We act like we know what we're doing, but quite often we're just wingin' it. How else can you explain our actions and why we indiscriminately ban women from certain situations?

As proof, I point to the world of sports, specifically where women show interest in participating in arenas once solely owned my men. This really baffles many of us guys. Guys can't understand why a woman would want to traipse upon our sacred sports institutions. Why do women want to be members at Augusta National? Why do they want to play in the British Open? Why do they want to be football place-kickers?

To those men who don't understand, I ask this question: Why do men want to be members at Augusta National? Why do men want to play in the British Open? Why do men want to be football place-kickers? Put simply, the reason women want it is the same reason men want it. It's a goal. It's a way of reaching the pinnacle. It's a mountain, and it's there.

In the case of allowing women at Augusta National, there are special circumstances. It is indeed a private club, and private clubs don't have to allow everyone in. If the brain trust at Augusta wants to limit its membership to men only, they have that legal right. I would submit that it's a morally reprehensible policy, but the law is on their side. Banning women is no better and no worse than banning blacks, Jews, Catholics, Irish, blondes, diabetics or men named Skip.

Me, I like some women in the crowd. Label me a heterosexual, but I prefer to have the ladies around. Too many gents in one place makes me a little uncomfortable. It just feels wrong. If Hootie and his towel-snapping pals want to keep their Augusta treehouse all to themselves, they can have it.

The British Open is another story completely. As you may have read, the Open hierarchy have said they won't allow women to play. Based on that policy, maybe they should rename the tournament. How about the British Y-Chromosome Festival?

If I'm a British lass who wants to put my golf game up against the best the world has to offer, am I relegated to weaker competition simply because of my sex? There's nothing at all wrong with the LPGA, but let's face it, most of the league's female golfers are not as good as most of the PGA's male golfers. That's not being sexist, it's just a fact supported by the scores.

However, let's say there's a female golfer whose game is as good or better than many of the guys on the PGA. Just, for the sake of argument, let's call her, oh I don't know, Annika - a completely random and common name. Why shouldn't Annika be allowed to stack her sticks against the men in the PGA, which, the last time I checked, stands for Professional Golfers' Association? It's not the MPGA, it's just PGA.

If Annika can be competitive with the men, why not let her? I'll tell you why, and it's another double-secret excerpt from the Guy Code of Conduct: Many guys are deathly afraid of being beaten by a woman in front of other guys. I'm quite confident this totally fictitious golfer named Annika could skunk plenty of guys in the PGA. I doubt she could go toe-to-toe with Tiger, Phil, Davis or Ernie, but she'd hold her own in the pack. Male pro athletes are, for the most part, a macho bunch, and they don't want to lose to a woman, regardless of what they say when the sportswriters are jotting down quotes.

Golf is different, though. In the world of pro sports, golf is an oddball in that no one owns a team. Will there come a day when the owner of a football, basketball or baseball team will sign a woman to play alongside the guys? Absolutely, yes. It may not be anytime soon, but it will happen, and it won't be a dippy publicity stunt. The reason it will happen is that team owners have one overriding desire -- to win.

Making money is a strong second, but winning will take care of that. If you win enough games, you're guaranteed to make money.

If a woman comes along who can compete with the men and help her team win games, she'll be a starter. Team owners want fannies in the bleachers, and the only way that happens is if you're a winner, the Cubs notwithstanding.

Women or no women, men will change the rules to win more games and make more money. That's another Guy Secret, but I've told you too many secrets already. I may never be allowed in a sporting event again. That's OK, though. There are always too many guys at those things anyway.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.