David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Dec. 30, 2003

Add grapefruit to a silly gift and you get ...

Isn't it wonderful when two bad ideas combine to form something worthwhile? It reminds me of an old saying -- two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts sure do.

A few weeks ago one of the neighborhood urchins came calling to our humble abode with a sell sheet in hand. Anytime you open the door to find a youngster holding a brightly colored sheet, you know you're in for a sales pitch. Back in the day, door-to-door salesmen arrived armed with Fuller brushes or the A through D encyclopedia installments. These days, the salesmen are 4-footers who hawk everything from wrapping paper to chocolate bars to coupons.

The day's selection du jour was citrus fruit. This particular lass had sold us dozens of overpriced goods over the years in the name of scholastic betterment, and she knows I'll cave every time. I can sit through a professional salesman's incessant prattle without ever reaching for my wallet -- timeshares, gym memberships, undercarriage rustproofing treatments, extended warranties, blah, blah, blah -- it all sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher talking. Little kids, however, are different. If car dealers could lobby change in the child-labor laws so that an 11-year-old could sell SUVs, I'd be in serious trouble.

The problem with that day's selection was that she was selling citrus fruit -- by the treeload. You couldn't buy just a handful of oranges or grapefruit, you had to commit to at least half a big box. Apart from a seafaring captain who wants to ensure his crew doesn't develop scurvy, who needs that much citrus at once?

No matter. I knew I was on the hook as soon as I opened the door, so I bought the smallest amount allowable. Normally I would have opted for oranges since they're a family favorite, but I had just purchased a small bag the previous day. Too much of a good thing is exactly that - too much. We had half a dozen oranges already in our fruit bowl, and another 30 oranges would be orange-overload.

I went with grapefruit. While not as popular as oranges, it was still a solid selection.

A few days later (and long after my supply of oranges had been exhausted), the grapefruit arrived. You wouldn't think half a box of grapefruit would be all that much, but you'd be wrong. Twenty or so grapefruit in one box makes for a darn heavy box. I was impressed that my wee little salesgirl was able to haul it to my door. I traded cash for grapefruit, thanked our delivery maiden and closed the door secure in the knowledge that I'd see her again when the next school fundraiser is at hand.

For days the box o' citrus sat on our kitchen counter, but the pile of grapefruit didn't getting significantly shorter. Sure, we enjoyed a grapefruit here and there for breakfast, but honestly, how many times can you go through that rigamarole in the morning? It takes forever to slice all those little segments from each half. I don't have time for that very often.

Inspiration struck shortly thereafter as I reached atop the refrigerator looking for a paper plate.

There, behind the Crock-Pot, stood the electric juicer someone gave me many Christmases ago. At the time, I'm sure I extended a gracious "thank you" out of reflex and then discreetly rolled my eyes, wondering why anyone would give me an electric juicer. Perched quietly high above the kitchen, the juicer waited patiently until its day to shine would come.
With a box of grapefruit in the house, that day had come.

As my young son napped, my daughter and I gleefully sliced, twisted, pulverized and whirled the grapefruit box down to its purest form -- a teeming pitcher of grapefruit juice the likes of which is rarely seen outside of the Sunshine State. A few spoonfuls of sugar later we were chugalugging fresh grapefruit juice like warriors savoring the spoils of war.

Sure that pitcher of grapefruit juice cost me $15, but you can't put a price on finally being able to put a lousy Christmas present to good use.

Should I have bought a box of grapefruits? Probably not. Should someone have given me an electric juicer? Absolutely not. But on that day, two wrongs made a right, and my family and I enjoyed at least five times the recommended daily allowance of vitamin C.

I suggest you remember where you stashed the Chia Pet, Popeil Pocket Fisherman and The Clapper you got last week. You never know when a need will "present" itself.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.