David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Feb. 17, 2004

A 104 and everything under the scalp is all right

This just in ...

Your old pal Dave hasn't lost his marbles. Not all of them. Not yet, anyway.

My oldest child is nearly 3 years old, and for nearly three years now I've suspected that children make their parents stupid. Since we brought our little bundle home from the hospital, things would slip my mind more often than they used to, I'd have to reread and reread text before I fully understood it, and sometimes I'd even walk into a room only to completely forget why I came in there in the first place.

I was getting dumber, and it scared me. At least I think it scared me. I'm not sure. I may have been dumb at the time I was thinking of it.

Then Baby No. 2 came along, and I felt as though I was getting even dumber by the day. I found myself forgetting my ATM card's PIN number -- the same PIN number I had been using for nearly 10 years. While showering, I'd sometimes forget whether I had washed my hair. There were even times when I'd look at my watch and in less than four seconds forget what time it was.

From what I could tell, each child had cost me about 25 IQ points. My math may be a little off, but that's 50 total points, right? I'll have to double-check my figures, but I think that's correct.

Parenthood had taken a smarter-than-average bear who was capable of deft picnic-basket heists and transformed me into a slow, dim-witted grizzly rug lying in front of the fireplace at a ski lodge. Sad but true, or so I thought.

That changed when I took my first collegiate test in more than 12 years. Yes, I'm a college student again. I thought I'd try my hand at being an elementary school teacher, and that means more schooling beyond my existing bachelor's degree. Someone needs to teach little kids how to swipe picnic baskets, right?

I'm enrolled at Pellissippi State and have started with only one class, economics. I go every Tuesday and Thursday while my little brain-suckers are enjoying their twice-a-week "mother's day out" program at a local church. My kids enjoy the interaction with humans their own heights, and I enjoy a couple of hours spending time with adults -- at least what pass for adults on a college campus.

My first economics test was last Tuesday. I had kept up with the reading assignments, had turned in all of my homework, and had studied quite a bit. (It's funny how differently I approach college as a 33-year-old as opposed to an 18-year-old, but that's another column entirely.)

As I walked out of the classroom, I felt I had done pretty well, but since I hadn't taken a college test in more than a decade, I wasn't sure. Also, since I was 50 IQ points in the hole, maybe I was simply too stupid to realize I had done poorly. Wouldn't that be the ultimate kick in the head? To become so dumb that I didn't even know I was dumb?

We got back our graded tests Thursday, and I heaved a heavy sigh of relief. My first college test in 12 years, and I got an "A." I wasn't stupid after all, not on test day at least. Not only was it an "A," but it was a thunderous, whopper of an "A" -- a 104 with extra credit! I ate that economics test for lunch!

The re-education of David Spates had begun and begun well, but more importantly than a 104 score is the knowledge that I'm not insurmountably stupid. My forgotten PIN number, the feelings of loss in the garage, the twice-soaped hair -- I chalk it all up to the burden of child care. Diminished sleep, hours of Play-doh, marathon Candyland tournaments, the Sesame Street theme song over and over and over again -- it taxes a brain.

My next test is in early March, a few weeks away. I can't expect to dial in another 104, but I'll do my best. I just hope I remember why I'm in the classroom that day.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.