Ed Wood "The Right Stuff" Published Sept. 4, 2002

Well, I swan!

Sometimes you just can't win. Back in 1968, some well-meaning environmentalists released five mute swans (cygnus olor), a protected species, into the swampy lagoons of the Maryland's Eastern Shore. Mute swans are magnificent creatures of beauty, with a wingspread of 7 to 8 feet! But now they join the ranks of kudzu and fire ants as being classified a "foreign and invasive species" by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. What began as a group of five (I can't explain the odd number) has now increased to a population of over four thousand. It is estimated that by the year 2010 there will be more than 32,000 of these big things.

So what, you say? Well, it seems the native coastal marsh grasses are already under assault from some type of marine snail (also a protected species) and the swans just make it worse by are consuming over 12 tons of these grasses per day! No marsh grass, no blue crabs. And many of us humans (homo sapiens) like to eat Chesapeake Bay blue crabs.

And how do we know about the snail attack on the marsh grasses? An article soon to be published in the Journal of the National Academy of Science details how our government scientists are using Super-Glue to attach fishing line to a bunch of these snails to keep them within reach of the native blue crabs, who like to eat them for supper. And in the dining process, both the crabs and the marsh grass flourish! A little labor-intensive perhaps, but it works!

Meanwhile, back to the swans. What to do? In the true liberal tradition of wanting us all to suffer equally, environmental wackos are proposing that the swan population be relocated throughout the remainder of the country so we can all get our fair share. But that may not be as easy as it sounds.

According to a University of Michigan Web site, "Mute swans set up large territories of 4 to 10 acres, which can include an entire small lake or pond. Even in semi-domestication, the nest is strongly defended; swans have been known to attack other waterfowl and even people. Blows from their powerful wings can be especially painful. They can be dangerous to children, and are capable of killing or maiming some of the larger predators."

But I have a better idea. Let's just eat them suckers! There are millions of hungry people throughout the world, and since this is an election year, no doubt our politicians will be able to find many of them right here in our own country. Once you get the feathers off the carcass, who can tell the difference between a swan and a chicken? Or even a turkey? Can't you see it now? Swan Filet. Swan Nuggets. Swan Pot Pie. Popcorn Swan. For the elite, there could be Swan Cordon-Bleu, and can you imagine those 3 1/2-foot-long Buffalo Wings?

I understand an over-population of turkey buzzards (also a protected species) is becoming a menace in certain areas. But let's see how our swan program works before tackling that one!

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Ed Wood is a resident of Sparta, TN. His column is published each Wednesday in the Crossville Chronicle.