David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Sept. 17, 2002

These watches are a
little out of my depth

How much did your watch cost? I think mine was about 25 bucks, maybe 30.

Basically it's a piece of junk, but at the same time it's all the watch I'll ever need. It keeps time. What else could I ask of a watch?

Some men, however, need more from their watches. They need status. They need to be noticed. They need a watch that makes a statement to the world. They need other people to know that they make a lot of money.

Through all of the glitter, all of the polish and all of the painstaking attention to every conceivable detail, a $12,000 watch does the exact same thing my $25 watch does. It tells time. They both have 12 numbers, two hands and a strap. Other than that, there's very little functional difference.

Sure, maybe the $12,000 model is a tad more precise, but losing or gaining a few seconds over the course of a year hardly justifies the price to me. Me, I'm a guy who appreciates function over form. I need bang for my buck. If I'm going to drop 12 grand on a wristwatch, it had better do something truly remarkable, like cook my breakfast or automatically change every red light to green. For $12,000, I would need James Bond's Q to come by the house and demonstrate the watch's electromagnetic and telephoto video camera settings.

But today's $12,000 watches don't do any of that cool stuff. They just tell time, like my ratty old $25 model. No electromagnet, no telephoto video camera -- it just ticks. Big deal. If you want to impress me with your watch, show me a deadly laser beam or a satellite communications system. How about it, big shot? Does your watch have that? Otherwise, it's just empty flash.

I think guys who buy these ultra-expensive watches are really just irked that it's socially unacceptable for men to wear a lot of jewelry. They want to sparkle like the ladies, but they're relegated to one, maybe two, rings and a watch. Anything more than that on a man's hands and he starts to look like a cast member from "The Sopranos."

So he buys the shiniest, prettiest, fanciest, most expensive watch he can afford. He straps it on, and heads out into the world, hoping against hope that someone will notice his spiffy new watch. I'm no psychiatrist, but I have to think that anyone to drops $12,000 on a watch is more than just a little insecure about himself. Talk about overcompensation.

A $12,000 watch? Ha! That's chump change! I might wear a $12,000 watch when I'm mowing the yard or cleaning out the gutters, but if I REALLY want to impress the neighbors I prefer to sport the Oyster Perpetual Day-Date Masterpiece Chronometer. Check out the sales pitch: "Superlative craftsmanship in premium grade platinum is enhanced with lustrous diamonds. Innovative design adds new intensity to a celebrated classic. World renowned, Rolex automatic mechanical movement. Dynamic platinum link bracelet is fully integrated into the contoured platinum case. Case and bracelet are highly polished to a mirror-bright finish. Forty brilliant cut diamonds encircle the perfectly round bezel. Black Mother-of-Pearl dial shines with ten diamond hour markers."

Quality like that doesn't come cheaply, though. Does $56,500 seem fair enough? No laser. No satellite communications. No electromagnet. No telephoto video camera. It's just a watch. It is IS water-resistant down to 100 meters, but heck, my $25 Cheap-O-Matic model is water-resistant down to 50 meters. Sure, 100 meters is better than 50 meters, but for a savings of $56,475 I think can limit my diving depths somewhat.

Who's out there buying a $56,500 watch? I've often wondered what other items they own that are incredibly expensive but serve only limited function. Do they have a solid-gold mouse for their computer? How about chinchilla-lined toilet paper? Do you think they buy their Diet Coke in titanium cans? If I were a gazillionaire, I'd want my Crock-Pot to come with a built-in LCD video display so I could view my pot roast without lifting the lid. What wardrobe would be complete without a necktie cut from the Shroud of Turin? And how could a house be a home without throw pillows stuffed with spotted owl feathers and a panda-skin rug in the living room?

They say the best things in life are free. For me, however, the best things in life cost somewhere between free and 25 bucks.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.