David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published March 26, 2002

You want it fast? Use the
microwave and your Playstation

If you want fast baseball, turn on your Playstation. Relief pitchers instantly appear on the mound. No leisurely strolls from the bullpen will bring the action to a halt. No need to be bothered by warm-up swings, mud in the cleats, broken bats or Nomar's 38 batting glove adjustments. Pop in the Sony CD, crack open a Yoo-hoo, plop down in the couch and you're ready for some thrilling video baseball.

That's fine, but leave real baseball alone.

Major League Baseball officials say the game takes too long and that there are too many pauses between plays, so they've announced plans to shorten the game by tightening up the downtime. That's right, the downtime. Hello? Did that sink in? That's what baseball IS -- downtime! The downtime is what makes baseball charming. When action actually does occur, it's all the more spectacular by comparison to what little has previously transpired. Baseball
doesn't have a clock, and I for one like it that way. It's a relaxing game to watch. There's no hurry-up offense, no shot clock, no two-minute warning, no delay of game penalty or anything of the sort. Sometimes the only way to tell what inning the game is in is to count your empty bottles.

So what are the geniuses at MLB trying to accomplish? Well, they're worried that too many fans are leaving the games early. Let them leave early if they want. It makes for a less crowded parking lot after the game. The fans who leave early can catch the rest of the game on their car radios, and when their team, which was down seven runs going into the eighth inning, caps an amazing comeback the likes of which is remembered for generations, they can proudly say to their coworkers the next morning,"Well, no, I didn't actually see the comeback, but I heard the play-by-play while driving home. Not only that, but I got home early enough to watch Die Hard on FX for the 11th time this month."

That's what makes baseball so fantastic -- it's never over until it's OVER.

Anything can happen. In timed sports like football and basketball, if a team builds up a large enough lead and milks the clock, the game is done before it's over. If the Titans are ahead by 35 with four minutes to go, then by all means leave early. I'm right behind you. That game's over. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can affect the outcome.

Baseball is a different story, or maybe the dolts at MLB have already forgotten last year's World Series. I'm no baseball historian, but that had to be the most exciting World Series in the modern era. The Fat Lady was on vacation. She stayed home and watched the games. There was one impossible comeback after another. And another. And another. It was as good as sports gets, and I don't remember any fan complaining that Luis Gonzalez took too much time in the on-deck circle before coming up with the series-winning hit in the bottom of the ninth.

Game 7 ran three hours, 20 minutes. Why? Because that's how long it took. Period. That's about half an hour too long for the MLB brain trust, however. They want American League games to average two hours, 50 minutes and National League games should break the tape in two hours, 40 minutes.

"OK," you may say. "It's good to have goals. What's wrong with trying to keep the game moving along at a nice pace?"

Well, considering that in 2001 American League games averaged two hours, 56 minutes and National League games averaged two hours, 53 minutes, I'm not sure what all the fuss is over. Is that really what they're worried about?

Those pesky extra six minutes in AL parks and those interminable 13 minutes on the NL circuit are the big problems? The way I look at it, those extra minutes are just enough time to quaff another cold one and gobble another stadium dog. As for the fans who leave early, well that's just an opportunity to move down to their seats.

Baseball and football are two very different sports, and they succeed because of what they are. I like both, despite how vastly dissimilar they are. At a baseball game, the mood is relaxed. There are flashes of excitement, but for the most part a baseball game almost takes on the feel of a picnic. If you're watching the game at home, the possibility of a late-inning nap is a distinct possibility. Football is different. It's no picnic, and there is no napping. Picnicking can come before and after the game, but when the clock start, you're there for war. You'd beat a complete stranger to a pulp if you thought it would help the team. When you watch a game at home, the pets have learned to leave the room. Apples and oranges. Footballs and baseballs.

Leave baseball alone. Let the batter step in and out of the batter's box as much as he wants. If a pitcher wants a few extra seconds between pitches to, uh-hum, make adjustments, that's fine. Let the relief pitcher walk to the mound from the bullpen. When the game's on the line, I don't want a prematurely winded set-up man.

If you want it fast, microwave your hot dog and fire up the Playstation. I'm not in that big of a hurry. Good things can take a while.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.