David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published May 28, 2002

Trouble saying no to
your kid? Grow a backbone!

I'm not a violent man, but sometimes I just want to slap some people.

The other day I was watching an episode of "Oprah" about how the media has become the "third parent" in some U.S. households. Kids are getting too much television, too much Internet and too much naughty music. Apparently it's a big problem in some homes.

(Sexual roles sidetrack: Yes, I'm a stay-at-home dad and I watched an episode of "Oprah" last week. There are plenty of guys out there, and more than a few women, who are smirking at the notion of a man quitting his full-time job, staying at home with his baby daughter and catching an occasional episode of "Oprah." That's fine. I'm not so insecure in my masculinity that I can't do what's best for my daughter and at the same time watch "Oprah" every once in a while. And if you must know, earlier that day, I shoveled a a few hundred pounds of mulch from the bed of my pickup truck into my yard. Is that manly enough for you?)

Anyway, there was this wife and husband who have a 5-year-old boy who watches about 60 hours of television a week. I know! SIXTY hours? A week?

The kid isn't the person I want to slap. The people I want to slap are his parents. The media has become a "third parent?" Are you kidding me? In that house, TV is the first parent, the kid is the second parent, and the mom and dad place a very, very distant third and fourth. Who's running the show here?

There sat the parents, acknowledging to Oprah and the viewing audience that their little angel watches 60 hours of TV a week. There are three people in the family, and the house has four TV sets, including one in the kid's room which the child has mandated must remain on at all times, even while he's asleep.

"We just don't know what to do," the mother said. "We have a hard time saying no to him."

That's when the urge to slap came over me.

You don't know what to do?! You have a hard time saying no?! This is a 5-year-old we're talking about! You're the parents, and you don't know how to stop you son from watching 60 hours of TV a week? Apparently, they don't.

Rather than simply turning off the TV and removing the set from his room (duh!), they prefer to shrug their shoulders and laugh it off. Instead of growing a backbone and doing what's best for their child, they serve him his meals on a TV tray so he doesn't have to miss a single moment of his favorite shows. God help the poor woman who marries this kid 20 years from now.

Oprah found an extreme case, and I realize that. It makes for good television, but I think it's indicative of a growing problem in this country. These parents want to be their child's best buddy, and consequently they don't say NO very often. Their kids are growing up expecting to get everything they want, thereby producing adults who expect to get everything they want.

I know some of those adults, and I don't hang around with them very much. They're jerks. Where do you think grown-up jerks come from, anyway?

On the same episode, Oprah featured a mother whose 12-year-old son suffered severe burns to his chest after he lit himself on fire copying a stunt he saw on "Jackass," a show that depicts extremely dangerous and stupid stunts.

The mother and Oprah were quick to dole out blame. It's the show's fault, it's the show's star's fault, it's society's fault for craving such awful programming. Not once did the mother take any responsibility for what happened to her son, nor did she acknowledge that her son did a profoundly dumb thing. She and Oprah were content to shake their heads at what "the media" had done to her son.

I'm sorry that the kid was burned, but it's not "the media's" fault. "The media" didn't light the match. "The media" didn't permit the kid to watch the show. Kids don't need input from "the media" to do stupid and dangerous things. Irresponsible kids and irresponsible parents have been rushing to emergency rooms long before "the media" became so ubiquitous.

Oprah has done some fine things in the past, but blaming "the media" for the
symptoms of negligent parenting is wrong. She has her strengths, but sometimes Oprah can be a bleeding-heart bellyacher.

My daughter is only 1. Like I said last week, I'm a rookie. These types of situations haven't come up, so I suppose it's easy for me to find fault in other parents. I know one thing, though. I'm not going to be her buddy.

Buddies are easy. Buddies don't care if you watch 60 hours of TV a week. Kids have no problems finding buddies. I'm going to be her daddy. It would seem those are little tougher to come by.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.