David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published March 5, 2002

"On sale" gets a sniff every time

Retailers are incredibly inventive in their methods to separate us buyers from our moolah, but I don't blame them. We're all out in the world trying to make a buck or two in the hopes that we'll someday move on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

Scratch-and-dent events, double-coupon days, two-for-one deals and searchlights probing the night are all ways the sellers of the world say to the buying public, "Hey, come on over and check out my stuff."

I'm immune to most of their ploys. I like to think that I make purchases according to my needs, wants and timetables.

Just because some junior vice president in charge of pencil sharpening mistakenly orders too much from the warehouse doesn't mean I'm going to rush to buy a brand-spanking new doodad from his bloated inventory. I buy when I'm good and ready. If the store happens to have a deal for me on that day, well then fine.

There is one marketing strategy that gets me every time, however, and it's the least inventive of all. "On sale." That's all. "On sale." All righty.

You've got me interested. Let's take a look. Anyone who sells anything will tell you that's what they shoot for -- just for you to take a look. Once we nibble at the bait, the rest is relatively easy, but getting folks to notice your product is the tough part.

"On sale."

I suppose it's some measure of lingering naiveté tracing back to when I was 4 years old. When you're 4, you believe anything anyone tells you. At such a tender age, you simply don't have the background from which to base informed conclusions, so you rely on information from a variety of sources.

"Step on a crack, break your mother's back."

"Geez! Really? Well, I'll be sure to avoid the cracks then. I'd hate for Mom to be laid up in the hospital. She just got her hair done."

"If you touch a frog, you'll get warts."

"You're kidding. Hmmm. Thanks for the heads-up. I don't really see any frogs here right now, but if I run across one I'll be sure to give him a wide berth."

"There's a monster that lives under your bed."

"Actually, that makes sense. I thought I heard a noise under there last night. There's not a lot of room down there, but maybe that's all he can afford. Did you warn him about the frogs? If not, I'll pass that along when I go to bed tonight."

"That G.I. Joe you wanted is on sale!"

"All right! It's cheaper now? It was $4.99 last week, but now it's down to a laughable $4.69! What a bargain! Maybe Dad will take me to the store after my nap. That'll give me time to remember where I stashed my birthday money."

"On sale" gets my attention every time. Even if the G.I. Joe is woefully overpriced at $4.99 and still only slightly less woefully overpriced at $4.69, the "on sale" is enough for me to give it serious consideration. The logical side of me knows it's a trick. A $4.99 G.I. Joe seems too expensive, but a $4.69 G.I. Joe is a good deal by comparison. It's still a rip-off, but the seller has made it appear to be a smart buy that only savvy shoppers like you and me would be keen enough to appreciate.

Also, when you see your buddy at the sandbox the next day with his $4.99 G.I. Joe,
you can strut around and boast that you scored the exact same action figure (they're not dolls!) for a mere $4.69. Won't he feel like a schmuck! When you're 4, perhaps the only thing better than scoring a 30-cent coup is rubbing your best friend's nose in it.

But I'm 31 now, and I still fall for the old "on sale" routine. I certainly don't buy everything I see that's "on sale," but more often than not I'll at least give it a sniff. The saddest part is that I catch myself looking at "on sale" items that I'd never in a zillion years even consider buying, regardless of the price.

"A terra cotta hammock? Well, that seems pretty silly, but wait, it's on sale! I wonder if I have room for it in the back yard."

As I'm standing there in Home and Garden Department looking over this ridiculous product that no one in his right mind would purchase, my brain returns from its five-minute smoke break.

"What are you looking at? A terra cotta hammock? You twit. I can't leave you alone for five minutes, can I? I don't care if it's marked down from $599 to $399, WE DON'T NEED IT! Plus, it's stupid! Now come on. Let's go buy that plunger we came for. I saw in the newspaper ad that they have one on sale."

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.