David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Nov. 19, 2002

Who gets hungry at 4 a.m.?

When was the last time you raided the refrigerator in the middle of the night? Oh, come on now. 'Fess up.

Really? You rarely, if ever, scour the Frigidaire for late-night goodies? No midnight feasts of leftover pizza while standing over the kitchen sink? You don't eat a handful of 3 a.m. Nutter Butters and then wash it down with a healthy swig of milk straight from the carton? (It's 3 a.m. -- who's going to know, right?) You've never cracked open the Cool Whip and used your index and middle fingers to scoop out a surprisingly large mouthful in the predawn hours?

No? Not once?

You're lying. Well, no, not you. I'm talking about the other guy reading this column. He is lying. I know you would never lie. Your integrity is beyond reproach. We all know that. Honest Abe, that's you. But the other guy is lying through his teeth. He's the guilty party.

It seems that 78 percent of Americans regularly hit the kitchen for a midnight snack, according to a poll I read about in Sunday's Parade magazine. Ice cream tops the list of what midnight masticators enjoy, followed by salty-crunchy snacks like potato chips and pretzels. The selections don't surprise me. I like fatty ice cream and greasy potato chips as much as the next overfed guy. What shocks me is that 78 percent of Americans eat in the middle of the night. That's stunning. Seventy-eight of the people taking the poll said they did it, but you know there had to be a few nocturnal nibblers who were too embarrassed to admit it. The real percentage may be as high as 85 to 90.

I'm not lying when I say I'm not among them. To my recollection, I've never woken from sleep, gone to the kitchen and rooted through the cupboards for a snack. It's just not something I do. I eat when I eat, and I sleep when I sleep, and never the two shall meet. On the odd occasions when I rise from peaceful slumber, it's usually for an expedition to the porcelain or to throw a shoe at a cat who's licking her coat too loudly. In my mind, waking up to eat is as strange as mowing the lawn, pausing for a few moments to juggle bowling pins, and then resuming the mow. The two actions just don't go together.

Do people stock their kitchens with midnight dining in mind, or do they eat whatever's available at the time? Are these 78 percent at the grocery store saying things like, "Mmmm. Funyuns, salami and apple juice - that'll hit the spot a few hours before sunrise."

What's my problem with people who enjoy midnight snacks? Nothing. I have no problem whatsoever. Why would I care what other people do? Live and let live, I say. (It's not just me who says that, but you get the point.) Now, if you're preparing a seven-course meal at 2 a.m., that might be a problem you want to address. Otherwise, enjoy your kung-pao-chicken-and-Twinkie combo. Life's too short. Par-tay!

The reason I'm commenting is that I found the 78 percent to be a remarkably high number. If you would have asked me to guess, I probably would have said 25 percent, maybe 35. I had no clue that midnight dining is so popular. It makes me wonder what else people are doing that I don't know about. When folks drop food on the floor, what percentage simply let the family dog take care of it? I'd say roughly 55 percent, but that's just a guess. Of those food-dropping canine owners, what percentage move their furniture to cover the stains the dog didn't find appetizing? This is just a shot in the dark, but I'm thinking around 40 percent.

I also wonder what percentage make their beds every day. I must confess I don't. It's never been a priority with me. Sure, I make it if we have guests in the house, but otherwise who cares? If the only people in the house that day are you and the family, do you bother making the bed? To me, it's like ironing underwear. I've known people who do it, but I've never understood why. I'll bet Martha Stewart has her underwear ironed, but perhaps Martha will be ironing other people's underwear before too long - underwear with lengthy digits stamped on them.

What percentage of people leave the faucet running while they brush their teeth? I suspect somewhere in the neighborhood of 85 to 90 percent. It's a bad habit, but I do it, too. I don't know why. It's wasteful, and yet there I stand with my toothbrush in my mouth, toothpaste foam dripping down my hand and the faucet pumping out a gallon a minute. I and my fellow Americans are spoiled. We think nothing of wasting clean water. There are countries where access to clean, drinkable water can mean the difference between life and death, but I'm the one who flushes the toilet after throwing a bug into it.

We're joys to live with, eh? How do our spouses put up with us? Well, not us. It's them. You know, the other people.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.