David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Jan. 7, 2003

I'd rather not have Sir Elton
guarding the castle wall

If you put them on a giant chessboard, they'd move two spaces up and one across. Big deal. Give me a rook or a bishop any day. It's not like these guys are slaying dragons, rescuing distressed damsels or pulling ancient swords from boulders, and the closest they get to armor is when their mechanics use Armor All to put a wet, shiny finish on their Jaguars' dashboards.

In my day, being a knight meant something. (Well, it wasn't my day really -- more like Lancelot's day, I suppose.) The knights back then fought grand and heroic battles, protecting their kingdoms from ravenous hordes, menacing marauders and, perhaps most frightening of all, the cheese-loving French.

Today's knights are, shall we say, a trifle less intimidating. Elton John is a knight. Get the picture? I could beat up Elton. It would be easy. I'd pound him. I love Elton's music, but come on, a knight? Can you imagine Elton leading troops in battle? Elton belongs in front of a piano -- he isn't one for jousting.

Every year Queen Elizabeth knights a handful of folks. Badda bing, badda boom, you're a knight. She's the queen. She can do that. Since there's very little call for sword-wielding knights in the modern era, today's knights tend to be celebrities and well-to-do businessmen whom the queen has determined have made significant contributions to English society. It's a status thing, little more.

Who else is a knight? The easier question might be who ISN'T a knight?

They're a pound a dozen in merry ol' England. Mick Jagger's a knight. I could beat up him, too. Winston Churchill was a knight. I suppose I can get behind Churchill. He was a tough old bird. Anyone who goes toe-to-toe with Hitler has a legitimate claim to knighthood. Sean Connery is a knight. Sure, he's about 100 years old, but I bet he still could whip me. Save Sean a seat at the Round Table. Alec Guinness was a knight, too. He wasn't terribly intimidating, but he did play the role of a Jedi knight. He gets points for that. Plus, I'll bet he had a few lightsabers lying around the house, which no doubt impressed the queen.

Paul McCartney's a knight. He's a little too passive to be a good knight, though. The invaders would have had the king's head on a stick by the time Sir Paul got around to launching an attack. Alfred Hitchcock was a knight. There's nothing terribly "knightly" about making a movie. Ridley Scott's another movie-making knight. The queen made him a knight a week or so ago.

Hitchcock and Scott could make a good movie about being a knight, but I'd want Sean Connery on the castle wall when the swords start clanking. "You want me on that wall! You need me on that wall!" Jack would be a good knight.

Anthony Hopkins is a knight. He's intimidating, but I doubt he could have bitten through chainmail armor. Charlie Chaplin was knighted a few years before his death. He wore really big shoes.

As you can see, the queen is pretty generous in doling out knighthoods. If everyone in town is a knight, being a knight isn't so special anymore. Bravery, courage and nobility have taken a back seat to album sales, Academy Awards and bank accounts. How boring.

In addition to the names you know, there's a long list of rich English guys who have been knighted because, well, they're rich English guys. Make a few bucks and you, too, can be an English knight.

You can manufacture business equipment and become a knight. IBM's CEO and Chairman Louis Gerstner Jr. is a knight.

In fact, you don't even have to be English to be a knight. Apparently the queen has run out of English dudes to knight, and she's knighting OUR guys! Steven Spielberg is a knight. Well, OK, he's an honorary knight. Yeah, like an honorary knight is so much different than a regular knight. This entire knighthood concept is an honorary thing, right? It's not like McCartney gets a mace and Spielberg doesn't.

Billy Graham, Bob Hope, Rudolph Giuliani? Knight, knight, knight. Great guys, but are they knightly?

With the knighthood comes the privilege of putting "sir" before your name, not that anyone does it much anymore. It's a little too pretentious for modern-day knights. They liked it back in the olden days, though. Some historical figures are remembered as "sirs" -- Arthur Conan Doyle, Walter Raleigh, Isaac Newton, Edmund Hillary, Francis Drake. They clung to their sirs to the bitter end. Some people get off on titles, I guess.

By writing such a satirical and sarcastic column about knighthoods, I'm guaranteed never to be knighted. That's fine. I prefer to hang out with the world's pawns. You don't have to call any of them sir.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.