|
|
David Spates I'd love to be a "poppycock draftsman" "Horoscope writer" may be the best
job in the newspaper business. What other job in the newsroom
demands absolutely no accuracy whatsoever? I had a college journalism
professor who would give his students an automatic F if they
misspelled a person's name in a story. In the real world, if
a reporter doesn't bother to check and recheck facts, he won't
be a reporter for long. And there, mocking his fellow newspaper staffers,
sits the "horoscope writer." (I put the words "horoscope
writer" in quotation marks because I don't really know if
that's what these people are called. There's probably some touchy-feely
or pseudoscientific name for what they do. Maybe they like to
call themselves "horoscopologists," "life strategists,"
"astrological prognosticators" or "guidance technicians."
I'd like to take this opportunity to respectfully suggest "ambiguity
distributors" or perhaps "poppycock draftsmen."
Feel free to suggest names for smart-alecky newspaper columnists,
but be nice.) As I was saying, there sits the "horoscope
writer," pecking away at his keyboard knowing full well
that no one with any sense will hold him accountable for what
he writes. Imagine the freedom! There's no need to worry about
accurate sources, fact checking, misquotes or any of the hugely
important details all other writers sweat over. What I'd really like to know is who should
I talk to about getting this job? Is there some special training
I should take? Is there a continuing education course offered
at one of the community colleges? Perhaps I need to pursue a
post-graduate degree. Maybe I don't realize how difficult horoscope
writing is, but I cannot imagine anyone in the world who would
not be qualified to do it. I can shovel it as fast and as furiously
as the next guy. Let's take a good look at these horoscopes.
The following examples were written by Eugenia Last, who writes
for Universal Press Syndicate. I'm sure Eugenia, if that is indeed
her real name, is a wonderfully nice woman, but it's hard to
fathom that she actually makes a living doing this. Sagittarius:
"Take care of yourself. Get with the program and start leading
a healthier lifestyle. Attempting too much and consuming too
much leaves you open to colds and infections." Is this advice
only for people born from Nov. 22 through Dec. 21? I suppose
the rest of us should feel free to eat Twinkies and watch 18
hours of television a day. I was about to get on the treadmill,
but thanks, Eugenia, for the day off. Pass the chocolate milk
and pork rinds. Gemini (hey,
that's me!): "If you try to break a promise, you'll disappoint
someone. Solicit someone to help finish projects so that you
can relax today. Minor health problems will prevail unless you
watch your diet." Well, that blows my chocolate milk and
pork rind breakfast. As far as the first piece of advice goes,
Eugenia couldn't have written a less insightful comment if she
had tried. Break a promise and I'll disappoint someone. She really
nailed that one, didn't she? That's quite a rare glimpse into
the inner-workings of interpersonal relationships. Tell me, Eugenia,
what would happen if I spit in the faces of everyone I knew?
I wonder how they'd feel about that. Virgo: "Be
discriminating. New romances will end as quickly as they began.
You may find that someone has not been completely honest. Be
willing to listen but don't be fooled. Two-timing is no joke."
I've been trying to convince the wife that two-timing is indeed
a joke, but she has her doubts. Thanks for sinking my ship, Eugenia.
As far as romances ending as quickly as they began, well, that's
pretty obvious. Relationships end and begin in short order --
a matter of moments, really. There's an ending point and a beginning
point in time for every happening. Anything before or after those
points is not the beginning or end. Also, thanks for the reminder
about not getting fooled. That's about as useful a piece of advice
as "drive safely." I was about to chug a bottle of
tequila and drive my car 120 mph with my knees while eating a
bucket of fried chicken, but I've reconsidered my plan, thanks
to your keen advice. Now, if I can just remember not to get fooled. I don't begrudge anyone making a living, but
writing horoscopes seems just a little too easy. Here's my piece
of advice to you, regardless of your sign: "When at the
bank, be wary of men wearing ski masks and trench coats. Don't
wear your socks out in the rain. Whenever possible, try not to
kick your mother in the back of the head. If you don't have anything
to drink for a few hours, eventually you'll get thirsty." I hope my words of wisdom help you during
your day. · · · |