David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published July 30, 2002

Hitting the "absurd" mark
getting tougher and tougher

I'm really starting to worry about my gig. What are we smart-aleck hack columnists supposed to do without ridiculous exaggeration? Blowing things way out of proportion is the lifeblood of many a columnist, and our ability to do it effectively is being taken away. How can I push a train of thought to an absurd extreme when the extreme suddenly is no longer, well, absurd?

Two years ago I wrote a column about the $145 billion verdict that was awarded to smokers in Florida who sued because cigarettes gave them cancer.

Maybe you remember it, but I doubt you do. If you don't remember my column, I'm sure you remember the verdict - $145 billion is a tidy little sum that got folks' attention. The smokers in Florida said cigarette makers should be held liable for the medical costs, mental anguish, physical pain and suffering, blah, blah, blah.

In that column I wrote, "So who will be next to call themselves a 'victim,' hire a gaggle of lawyers and sue a company that makes a product everyone knows is bad for the human body?

The gunsmiths are already in the pot. If I were with the fast-food industry, the butter churners, the brewers, the automakers, the television producers, or if I were associated with the guy who organizes the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, I'd be worried. There's a jury just waiting for you, too."

Like I said, I wrote that two years ago.

Today, two years later, we have Caesar Barber. He's suing McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King and Kentucky Fried Chicken because he ate a lot of their food, became obese and suffers from other serious health problems.

"They said, '100 percent beef.' I thought that meant it was good for you," Barber said in a Newsday article. "I thought the food was OK."

Caesar, Caesar, Caesar.

I was exaggerating more than just a little when I wrote that column two years ago. The cigarette verdict was ludicrous, so I theorized to what other extremes the "it's-not-possibly-my-fault" mindset could lead. Fast food, butter, beer, cars, TV shows, bulls skidding through Spanish streets -- all were supposed to be just silly hyperbole. I guess they were plausible culprits for someone desperately seeking "victim" status, but come now!

What's going on here? I didn't think it would actually come to THIS!

I have a late-breaking bulletin for our good friend, Caesar: Putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger is dangerous to your health, too. Are there any other warnings you'd like me to pass along to you, sir? Jumping into a lake will get you wet. Leaving the milk out all night will cause it to become warm and lumpy. Not filling your car with gas means that you won't be able to drive it. Oh, and this just in, hitting your thumb with a hammer will make your thumb hurt.

Caesar is 5 feet, 10 inches and weighs 272 pounds. He's had heart attacks in 1996 and 1999 and has diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. He said he ate fast foot for decades, believing (hold on to your super-sized fries) it was good for him.

"Those people in the advertisements don't really tell you what's in the food," he said. "It's all fat, fat and more fat. Now I'm obese."

The four chains Caesar is suing have been providing nutritional information on their meals for many years, but that's not even the point. The point is that while this is all kind of funny in some respects, it's a symptom of how out-of-whack our judicial system is. I think back to one of my college professors who used to say, "You don't need a reason to sue, you just need a lawyer."

How true. That's why Caesar's lawyer, Samuel Hirsch, is just as asinine as his client -- probably more so. Caesar is one of two things. He's either an idiot or a schemer trying to make an easy buck. If he's really that stupid, well, that's not his fault I guess. Stupid people can't help that they're stupid any more than tall people can help that they're tall, but if he's just trying to extort a settlement from the restaurants, then shame on him.

But the lawyer is another story. He's an officer of the court. He's supposed to be a little smarter, isn't he? His is a noble profession, or at least it was. What kind of lawyer accepts a case like this? What's he interested in, justice or the 40-percent fee?

It's our fault, too, you know. We're the jury. When we hand out $145 billion verdicts, are we really surprised when crackpots and shysters line up at the courthouse to take their spins on our judicial system's "Wheel of Fortune"? If you think you're safe from frivolous lawsuits, think again. No one is immune. If I were "the butter churners, the brewers, the automakers, the television producers, or if I were associated with the guy who organizes the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona," I'd be REALLY worried now, even more than I was two years ago.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.