David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Dec. 31, 2002

RC car tops list of
annoying e-mail solicitations

The ball is dangling, the champagne chilling, and Dick Clark has been wheeled out of cryogenic storage. New Year's Eve is here.

It's the time of the year when unique things occur. People make half-hearted resolutions they have no intention of keeping. Folks who during the year's other 364 days are typically in bed and asleep by 10 p.m. (or just after a particularly juicy "Golden Girls" rerun) attempt to eat, drink and be merry into the wee hours as they usher in a new year, only to wake the next morning with pounding headaches and two-hour gaps in their previous night's memories.

It's also when every media outlet in the free world reflects on the past year's top stories. It's tradition. We the people are a nostalgic bunch, and we enjoy taking a look back at the highlights and lowlights of the previous year. Besides, it's a good way for newspapers to fill a few pages when there's not much else newsworthy going on.

So in the tradition of the "top (whatever) of 2002" lists you've been seeing so much of in the last few days, I'd like to submit my own humble contribution.

Drum roll, Anton ...

I have here the "top 10 most annoying e-mail solicitations of 2002." I can almost hear the excited gasp of the reader.

No. 10: "Instant online approval for a gold card." There's no need for credit check, job verification or even income statement. Just click on the embedded link and you're on your way to financial freedom! Sure, the annual percentage rate is 29 percent, but as long as you pay the bill every month you won't have to worry about interest charges. Yeah, Sure. Wink, wink!

No. 9: "Get a free glucose meter when you buy your diabetic supplies from us." There are approximately 14 million diabetics in the United States. I'm not one of them, and even though I've unsubscribed from this e-mail list, I still get the pitch on a regular basis. Maybe they figure if given enough time (and Twinkies), I'll be a diabetic soon enough.

No. 8: "Clean your computer of pornography." Apparently there's software you can buy to ensure your computer won't be cluttered with porn. Or maybe it's a tool porn enthusiasts use to wipe away the evidence. I get one or two of these e-mails a month, compared to the dozens upon dozens of e-mails from the No. 7 entry.

No. 7: "Porn." You don't ask for it. You don't want it. It just shows up. If you use the Internet, it's something you have to deal with. Parental controls? Please. Filters? Give me a break. Pornographers employ the best and brightest computer geeks to get around all of that. Until the Web cleans up a bit, there's no way I'd allow a child unfettered access.

No. 6: "We've found free money for you!" Well great! Send me a check, but I'm not clicking on anything.

No. 5: "Buy a new car for $100." It's the same ad that's been running in newspaper classifieds for decades. Buy a seized or confiscated Corvette for a dollar. Do you know anyone who's driving a $1 'Vette? I don't either.

No. 4: "Use your cell phone through your car stereo." Yeah, like I'm going to mute the Starland Vocal Band to take a cell call? No way, man.

No. 3: "Turn eBay into a non-stop cash-generating machine." It's the old something-for-nothing promise with a Web twist. Do nothing and get paid for it. Can you make a fortune on eBay? Sure you can. Buy low and sell high, but that's not information I'd pay $39.95 for.

No. 2: "Tiny Web-cams for $40." It enables you to broadcast live video over the Web. Wonderful. Now we can finally see "CoolDog6432" in all his glory - unshowered with a cathode-ray tan and sporting a Dorito-stained Motley Crue concert T-shirt. Keep your 40 bucks and turn off the insta-chat application. Technology can be a frightening thing.

And the No. 1 most annoying e-mail solicitation of 2002: "The mini radio-controlled car." I got at least 15 of these a week in the months before Christmas. Those little $19.99 RC toys were supposed to be the hottest gizmos out there and the hardest to find. Judging by the sheer volume of ad pitches I got, there were plenty to go around. I guess they had to find some way to hype the fad du jour.

There it is, my top 10. Quite a magical compilation, huh? I'll see you next year. It's 10 at night and I'm going to bed.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.