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David Spates You can't get there from here It never fails. The same question pops into
my head every time I take a long car trip: How could these people,
so obviously stupid and completely unaware of their surroundings,
have possibly earned enough money to purchase the cars they're
driving? Some people wonder why stupid people seem
to be in a hurry all the time. And how did these dimwits ever
muster enough cognitive ability to pass the state's driving test?
Other folks can't understand how stupid people are able to find
their way from point A to point B. Even if they are able to find
their way, how do these dopes remember why it is they were traveling
to begin with? These are all valid questions, worthy of further
consideration and study. But I, as I said, am totally baffled that
people plagued with such profound stupidity have enjoyed enough
financial success that they were able to afford an automobile.
It's obvious that the concept of Darwinism doesn't apply in the
world of motorized transportation, and this country's highways
and byways are the great equalizers. Rich, poor, young, old, smart, dumb, oblivious,
keenly aware - we're all thrown together and left to our own
devices to see who will complete our journeys and avoid visits
to the ER. Over the past two weekends, I've hit the open
road in search of family, friends and fellowship. It's been a
while since I've made a road trip, and it was the first time
that the Spateses have traveled significant distances as a trio. Now, noticing idiot drivers is nothing new
to me. I've been spotting and identifying the boneheads of the
road for years, but now, with a baby on board, I seem to be taking
special note of the really bad drivers. Maybe it's a genetic
throwback to the olden days when the man of the cave had to protect
his brood from the saber-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths of
the world. Maybe it's nothing more than being a dad. Anyway, here's what I've seen over the past
two weekends, and please don't assume that I'm talking about
you. I'm sure you are a dandy driver. I'm talking about seemingly
everyone but you. My favorite twit on four wheels is the person
who weaves in and out of the lanes looking for the slightest
opening, only to find himself blocked in at every turn because
he's too much of an imbecile to look ahead before he switches
lanes. I watch these guys very closely. Apart from
being a tremendous danger to me and my fellow cavemen, they're
also a lot of fun. And the best part is that you can see them
coming long before they ever get in front of you -- little sporty
cars, usually, you spot in your rearview mirror darting from
lane to lane and making very little progress. What I love about these guys is that I have
no doubt they think they're genius drivers, as if they're the
only ones smart enough to consider switching lanes to make better
time. That's often a sure sign of road stu- The reality, of course, is that these lane
darters fail to realize that not only are they morons, but also
that if there really were a quicker way to get through the traffic,
everyone else would be doing it, too. Instead, these guys are
like Pavlovian dogs when they see a car in front of them. Without
any consideration whatsoever as to what might be in the other
lanes, they switch over and zoom ahead until there's another
car in front of them, and which point they're forced to stomp
the brakes and wait for an opening. It doesn't matter if the other lane is occupied
by a motorhome with 30-year-old Utah tags -- whatever will buy
them a few extra feet is where they're headed. Of course, you
and I know that the motorhome is going nowhere fast, so we don't
get anywhere near it. Now the lane darter is stuck behind this rolling
two-bedroom apartment with a bumper sticker that reads "Ask
me about my grandchildren" in the window, and all the folks
he worked so hard to pass, who are simply smirking and shaking
their heads at this point, cruise by him with the knowledge that
the scene will be repeated in another mile when the darter finally
breaks away. And these are the folks using the same road
I am. Decision-making without any forethought scares me, and
it's clear that plenty of these people give very little thought
prior to their actions. We're staying home this weekend. · · · |