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David Spates I'm dead -- what do I care what happens? There was a time when cuddling up next to
Marilyn Monroe would have been a dream come true for any red-blooded
man. Today, she's not quite as fetching as she was in the 1950s,
but you still have the opportunity to lie alongside the bleach-blonde
bombshell. It's not what you think. That'd be pretty
creepy. For a cool $150,000, you can spend all of
eternity in the same mausoleum with Norma Jean. According to
a small piece in a recent issue of Newsweek, the last
crypt in Monroe's Westwood mausoleum was donated to UCLA to raise
scholarship money. I hope the school can sell the crypt and raise
a few bucks for some hard-working students, but I've never been
able to understand why people worry so much about what happens
to their remains when they die. "... And to my wife, I leave, well, nothing.
I decided to spend the money we saved on a crypt next to Marilyn's.
I hope you'll visit us often." Me? I couldn't care less what happens with
my body when I'm done with it. I've told my wife and others to
donate my organs. If someone else can enjoy a better life with
my eyes, heart or lower intestine, then I say have at it. Carve
me up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Parts are parts. Some things
you just can't find at AutoZone. And don't worry about putting my leftovers in a shiny box with a velvet pillow, either. I'd hate to think that my loved ones spent thousands of dollars on a high-priced coffin, a burial plot overlooking a scenic view and a gravestone larger than Hoover Dam. That's money that could have been better spent helping someone go to college, paying off a mortgage or, better yet, buying Washington Redskins 50-yard-line season tic-kets. Side note: Maybe by then Dan Snyder will
let the guys who know football run the team rather than Danny
Boy sticking his nouveau riche nose into the huddle. I'm a 'Skins
fan, but I wish Snyder would stand in the shadows and count ticket
sales like other owners do. If he wanted to make a positive impact
on that team, he should rename it. That way, he could get the
attention he craves and at the same time abolish the most racist
team name in American sports. And by the way, Redskin is a lot
different than other Native American Indian-derived names like
Chiefs, Braves, Seminoles, Indians and Illini. "Redskin"
is a slur, plain and simple. I'm not one for political correctness
simply for political correctness' sake, but it's time to change
that name. Anyway, like I was saying before we were so
rudely interrupted by the Redskins rant, I couldn't care less
what anyone does with my body when I'm dead, and I'm curious
as to why anyone would spend $150,000 to be stored in a mausoleum
with Marilyn Monroe. I think it may have something to do with Americans'
fascination with celebrity. We like famous people. We like them
a lot, and I'm sure plenty of folks will jump at the opportunity
to have their remains in a crypt down the hall from Marilyn's.
Surely there must be a devoted Marilyn fan with waaaaaay too
much money on his hands. This is the perfect opportunity to get
close with a celebrated icon. Too bad he won't be able to enjoy
his purchase more than he will. I wonder what the buyer hopes other people
will think when they see his name just a few paces away from
Marilyn's. What's the benefit to sidling up to celebrity like
that? Are some people so desperate for a taste of the celebrity
"lifestyle" (pun intended) that they'll spend thousands
of dollars to have their corpse lie next to a famous corpse?
I can't follow that thought process at all. "Check it out, Dan. I just bought a crypt
in the same mausoleum as Marilyn Monroe's! Isn't that great?" "Uh, sure, I guess. Too bad you'll be
dead before you can enjoy it." "Well, you'll come and visit me, won't
you?" "I suppose. I haven't really thought
about it. I might be busy. Can we please change the subject?" Far be it from me to tell anyone how to spend
their money. If you want to spend your hard-earned cash on a
$20,000 silk-lined casket or have your ashes shot into outer
space, then by all means do it. And if you want to memorialize
a loved one by erecting a 20-foot-tall likeness at the burial
site or preserving the remains in pristine condition in a block
of clear Lucite, go right ahead. If it makes you feel better
to know that the world will forever be marked with your name
or if a big send-off is your preferred way of dealing with the
grief, who am I to say otherwise? But leave me out of it. I'm dead. I've got other things to do -- like challenging Minnesota Fats to a rack of 9-ball. · · · |