CROSSVILLE CHRONICLE

Opinion

 

David Spates
"Therefore I Am"

Space is no place for
a billionaire tourist

I have just two words for the Russian officials who allowed a California businessman to purchase a rocket ride to the International Space Station. Well, actually, I have one word and one acronym -- USS Greeneville.

Maybe the Russians don't get CNN and didn't hear about the submarine that crashed into a Japanese ship, killing nine people. Maybe. What's more likely, however, is that the Russians would rather take on increased risk in exchange for a $20 million fare, frequent flyer miles not included.

On Saturday, a Russian rocket blasted off from desolate plains in Central Asia en route to the space station, where U.S. billionaire Dennis Tito, accompanied by two cosmonauts, will complete an until-now unremarkable mission.

What has made it remarkable is the presence of Tito, who although he once worked for NASA, has absolutely no business in space. He's there to gawk. He's there because even though he has thousands of millions of dollars to his name, that's simply not enough. He's there so he can trump any other story at the country club as he sips Dom Perignon with the other billionaires.

I can't say that I blame him. If I had a billion dollars, I'd probably ask a cash-poor country if I could tag along for a trip to space? I certainly wouldn't expect that the country's officials would agree to it, but I'd probably ask anyway. I suspect that most billionaires are like spoiled children. They don't hear the word "no" very often. They expect people to provide whatever they ask for. If they don't get their way at first, they throw a tantrum, or in the case of Tito, they write a big, fat check.

But like I said, I can't condemn Tito. Like an easily manipulated parent who yearns to hear "I love you, Daddy" after he purchases the toy-of-the-moment, the Russian government is going along with Tito's request for the payoff, regardless of what kind of message it sends.

How many Lamborghinis can a middle-aged white guy buy before it gets boring? How many beach houses, 80-foot yachts and trophy wives does it take before your eye begins to wander? Like the rest of us, Tito can spend his money any way he sees fit, but the Russian government is acting irresponsibly by indulging his fantasy. Just because he can afford it doesn't mean it should be for sale.

Will Tito's presence on the rocket and in the space station set off a chain of events that will lead to disaster as the Greeneville tourists' presence seems to have? Probably not. This is the first tourist on the first paid-for rocket ride. The chances of something going wrong are pretty slim, as I'm sure they were during the first paid-for submarine ride years ago. However, bad things will happen if you engage in risky behavior long enough, and having bumbling tourists on a submarine or rocket is definitely risky behavior. Bad things are bound to happen sooner than later. It's difficult enough to conduct an emergency surfacing drill off the coast of Hawaii or to dock with a space station orbiting high above the Earth without having to worry about where the tourists are.

The Russian space officials claim Tito has received training equivalent to that of the cosmonauts'. Sure, whatever. I mean, really, what else are they going to say? "Well, Mr. Tito here is admittedly a complete amateur when it comes to space flight, but did you get a good look at the size of that check? The last time we saw that many zeros was at a Tom Arnold film festival. We've attached Post-it notes to the buttons and levers he's not supposed to touch. We just hope Mr. Tito doesn't mind sharing a seat with the evil Hugo Drax and lovely Dr. Goodhead." A fully trained cosmonaut? I seriously doubt it. The Russian economy may be depleted somewhat, but certainly they have a couple of rubles to train their cosmonauts sufficiently, and I suspect Tito received little more than the crash course, so to speak.

I wish Tito and his cosmonaut pilots a safe journey, but I feel like it's a big mistake at this point in space travel. I fully expect tourist trips into space to soon be as regular and uneventful as transcontinental airplane flights are today, but we're not there yet. It might not happen when Tito, who is 60, is still alive, but it will happen. Now is not the time for space tourism, and I suspect that the families of the nine dead Japanese would probably agree with me.
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David Spates is the assistant editor of the Crossville Chronicle and the proud parent of a new baby girl. Check out http://users.chartertn.net/shespates/annaspates.html and see for yourself. Anna's dad's column is published each Tuesday.

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