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David Spates Maybe Richard Dawson could The presidential race? Well, that's one thing.
Mess around with the Academy Awards? Whoa!
Now you're really going to make people mad! Ladies and gentlemen, the Oscar for Most Screwed
Up Priorities That Make The Family From "American Beauty"
Look Mentally Sound goes to - the American public! Let's have
a big round of applause, shall we? In case you somehow missed it (and judging
by the outcry, you didn't), in the days before Sunday's Academy
Awards, The Wall Street Journal conducted a poll of 356 of the
5,607 Oscar voters in an effort to predict the winners. Some
of the predictions were dead-on correct, and others were way
off the mark, but that's not what I found interesting. Plenty of people simply were furious that
the newspaper would dare conduct a poll before the winners were
announced. Folks across the land were bad-mouthing The Wall Street
Journal for ruining the process and taking the fun out of Sunday's
broadcast. Would someone just give me a big, fat break? Newspapers, TV networks, radio stations and
professional polling companies use polls ad nauseum to shape
the political landscape well before voters pull the curtains
and exercise their constitutional rights. Nobody seems to mind
that polls have transformed our government into one that uses
percentages, margins of error and statistical sampling to make
determinations of public policy. You know what you call a politician
who makes a decision without checking the polls first? A one-termer. It's only natural that The Wall Street Journal
would conduct a poll on the Oscars. If the media polls are powerful
enough to knock candidates like Elizabeth Dole and Dan Quayle
off the political table even before the first course is served,
then why not branch out into different arenas? American politics has turned into "Family
Feud," and Richard Dawson is back from the grave to serve
as our secretary of state. "We polled 100 people and the top seven
answers are on the board. Name a federal program that should
be cut from the 2001-'02 fiscal year budget." "The NEA!" "Good answer! Good answer!" "Show me - the NEA!" Ding! It's the No. 3 answer! I've got it! Next year we can bypass most
of the 5,607 Oscar voters and simply conduct a poll of a statistically
significant percentage of them. Billy Crystal could stay home
that year, and the academy could announce the winners via e-mail
in handy, easy-to-read pie charts. Maybe we could even conduct polls to determine
who wins sporting events. Why bother risking injuries and getting
uniforms dirty when you could conduct a poll to determine the
winners of the Super Bowl, World Series, Stanley Cup, NBA championship
and all the college sports? Just turn the whole thing into a
popularity contest. Who needs dedication, effort and achievement
when you have polls to tell you what's what? America also could use polls to level out
salaries. Why should nuclear physicists and neurosurgeons make
all the money when there are so many unskilled workers out there?
Simply execute a poll and ask the American public who should
make what. Since there are many, many more unskilled workers
than there are nuclear physicists and neurosurgeons, you can
bet that the unskilled workers could expect a big pay increase.
They'd be driving BMWs and Jags to their ditch-digging jobs before
you know it. So why did so many people get enraged when
The Wall Street Journal conducted its Oscar poll? I'll tell you.
We are a nation of star-gazers. We're addicted to celebrity.
It gives people who don't have much else going on in their lives
something to talk about. Why would anyone - except, perhaps, Kevin
Spacey - give a hoot if Kevin Spacey wins an Oscar? I like his
work, and I know he's a fabulous actor. I don't need Spacey to
win an award to confirm my beliefs. He's just a guy, and he's
as full of malarkey as the next man. We're all full of it. There
are millions of tremendously talented and indispensable people
out there who you've never heard of. Celebrities have caught
a cosmic wave, and they'll ride it until it peters out. And can you believe Angelina Jolie won for
"Girl, Interrupted." I was shocked! And that dress
Hilary Swank wore? Scandalous! |