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David Spates At least I didn't use
I figure I'll be OK as long as I don't ever
use the adjective "newfangled." The day you use "newfangled"
is the day you're hopelessly out of the loop on what's new in
the world. The problem for me is this: I could have easily
uttered "newfangled" Saturday afternoon. As a matter
of fact, it's one of the first adjectives that popped into my
dangerously-close-to-being-out-of-the-loop mind when I found
myself watching CNN at the gas pump. Ah, yes, these are glorious
times in the empire, aren't they? What? Do you mean to tell me you haven't seen
the gas pumps that include a mini television? Don't feel bad.
I hadn't either before Saturday, and since then I feel as though
I might be out of touch with what's the latest and greatest.
How long have we had TVs in gas pumps anyway? Is this a new development
or have folks been pumping out gas while they catch up on world
events for months? Or years? Where have I been? I'm still thrilled that
I can pay at the pump rather than watching 70-day-old hot dogs
ooze nitrates at the checkout counter of my favorite convenience
store while I stand in line waiting to dole out $15.02 for my
11 gallons of 87-octane unleaded as the person in front of me
sifts through her purse for her 15-cents-off coupon on a $24
carton of Marlboro lights soft packs. Swiping my credit card
through the built-in reader at the pump was plenty spiffy for
me, and now I find out that we can watch a little boob tube while
we wait? Well, that does it for me. Put me to bed -- I've seen
too much. This little discovery of mine took place near
Sevierville as the wife and I were searching for a specific wedding
gift for some friends who are tying the knot this spring. (I
won't tell you what we were looking for because the bridegroom
and bride-to-be may be reading this as well. If you are reading
this, don't worry. You're not going to be getting a pair of "genuine"
Indian moccasins or an airbrushed T-shirt with your names on
it. It will be something good. And that's another thing. Is it
me or do Pigeon Forge, Sevierville and Gatlinburg get tackier
and more touristy every year? Well, that's another column for
another day.) Anyway, like I was saying, the in-pump TV
was spotted at a gas station in Sevier County. As my pregnant
wife walked into the store to track some of her much-needed mid-afternoon
ice cream, I swiped my credit card at the pump and proceeded
to go through the typical gas-pumping routine. Swipe the card,
remove the car's gas tank cover while the pump checks my card,
select a grade of gas, lift the handle and pump away with reckless
abandon. This time, however, as I started pumping my gas at $1.319
a gallon, I heard a familiar voice. A CNN anchor was telling
the story of England burning thousands of farm animals in response
to the outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease. Initially I thought the sound was coming from
an outdoor radio the gas station had installed for its customers'
listening pleasure, but as I glanced at the pump I spotted movement.
A maybe-4-inch LCD screen was showing pictures of English farmers
cooking down English cattle. I was dumbfounded -- not by the
English but by the in-pump TV. After the cow-baking story, I
was treated to three commercials, surprise, surprise. After the
first one advised me to purchase my next airline tickets from
Travelocity.com and before the word "newfangled" attempted
to creep its way into my head, I had thoughts of a great science
fiction movie called Blade Runner. It stars Harrison Ford
and Rutger Hauer and was directed by Ridley Scott before he was
the Ridley Scott. In short, the plot centers around Ford's
character trying to track down Hauer's character, but during
the chase we're treated to a wonderful supposition of mid-21st-century
Los Angeles. To make a long connection short, advertisements
are everywhere -- on the sides of buildings, blimps, everywhere,
probably even, dare I say, on stirrup cozies. My momentary daze into Blade Runner was interrupted by the next ad, which alerted me as to how I can enjoy rejuvenated sexual function without a prescription. The third ad I don't remember. It probably featured Rutger Hauer as a spokesman for Payless Shoes or something.
Through a little restraint, however, I didn't use the word "newfangled." For the time being, as brief as it may be, I still consider myself on the cutting edge of gas station technology. |