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David Spates You can count on the Klan for great material I thought long and hard about this week's
column, but no matter how much I twisted my noodle to come up
with a topic, nothing presented itself. Until I saw this. When I saw this, the column
practically wrote itself in my head. It was a small story from the Associated Press
tucked away on the Internet, only to be revealed through a keyword
search of "First Amendment." (I will tell you this:
When you're struggling for something to discuss or write about,
you simply cannot go wrong with issues relating to the freedom
of speech. It's a gold mine.) Anyway, here it is. It seems that the Ku Klux Klan in Missouri
will be allowed to participate in the state's Adopt-A-Highway
program. Now can you see how the column simply writes itself?
Are you kidding? Is there any point in my continuing? I'm sure
everyone out there can take it from here! Well, since the boss
has so graciously afforded me weekly newspaper space for these
little rantings of mine, I guess I'll continue. Can't you just see the Missouri Klan dressed
in their white sheets walking on the side of the roadway poking
trash with their sticks? Wearing their orange safety vests? The
image is simply too rich. I feel like I need to plan a road trip
to St. Louis just so I can see such a richly hilarious sight
for myself. After five years of legal battles, the AP
reports, state transportation officials have finally granted
the Klan's application to participate in the litter-removal program. I wonder if the fine, upstanding members of
the Klan choose to wear their hoods while they clean up the roadsides.
It seems like it would get pretty hot under there, especially
during the summer months. I can only imagine the heat those poor
Klansmen must endure as they pick up trash in August. Good thing
they like to wear white. Cotton also breathes very well. That
probably helps, too. There's nothing better for the tourists than
to see the KKK enjoying an impromptu cross-burning by the side
of the road. You get enough Klan folk together in one place,
even for something as good-hearted as litter removal, and you
can bet that someone will take it upon themselves to bring
along a cross or make one from the roadside wood and set it ablaze.
There's one in every crowd. Here's another thing I wonder. If the Klan's litter-removal crew decides
not to wear their white sheets and hoods, I would presume they
just wear their regular clothes or perhaps an old Nazi uniform
they have lying around the house. Now, without the hood, these
cowards' faces are visible. If I saw a bunch of yokels with pokers,
trash bags and orange vests cleaning the side of the road underneath
a sign that read, "Adopt-A-Highway, Next mile adopted by
the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan," I'd be fairly certain
that they were KKK members. I thought keeping their identities
secret was big with these morons. Maybe they're simply too stupid
to suspect that passersby might make the connection. Although I'm having a lot of fun with the
image of white-sheeted Klansmen picking up trash along the roadside,
I realize that the state probably has little room to deny the
organization a permit to do it. There's no basis for the state's
denial. Being a member of the Klan isn't illegal. Murder, robbery
and jaywalking are crimes. Ignorance, prejudice and fear are
not. While they're in the mood to do a little public
service, maybe Missouri can convince the Klansmen to do some
other good deeds. Perhaps they could teach Boy Scouts fire safety.
Or maybe they could donate their used sheets to the local homeless
shelters I understand good bed linens are always in short
supply there. So that's the story about Klan volunteering for the Adopt-A-Highway program. Unfortunately, no one has figured out what to do with the trash standing along the roadside after the Klan collects its mile's worth of litter. |