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David Spates Let's take a dip in the gene pool Isn't there some licensing process I need
to go through? Shouldn't some government stooge conduct some
sort of background check? Well then certainly there is at least
a notarized form I need to complete in triplicate. You mean to tell me that anyone can do this
without proper supervision, without any sort of authorized permission
and with no qualifications whatsoever? Amazing. I'm going to be someone's dad, and it's as
simple as that. Yes, it's true. I'm reproducing. After years
of saying that I didn't want to have children, something in my
brain clicked about a year ago and I suddenly found myself with
the need to be someone's dad. So here I am - about five months
away from sharing full responsibility for a living, breathing,
crying, pooping, slobbering, needing, eating little baby. It seems there ought to be some sort of criteria
to satisfy before the wife and I can take it upon ourselves to
make people. I mean, really! This is huge! I need a license to
drive a car, but I don't need a license to make people? Unbelievable.
We're not talking about getting permission to burn a pile of
leaves here, we're talking about adding to the world populace. I find myself truly astonished. I'm kidding, of course. The government has
no business determining who should have children and who shouldn't.
The average governmental buffoon should limit himself to sharpening
pencils, wasting our tax dollars and plotting to stab his boss
in the back. Serving as the Ovum Police simply would not do. But anyway, like I was saying, for years my
wife and I were saying that we didn't want children. We never
said we didn't want children ever but that we didn't want
children at the time. When we were 25 or so, we didn't want children,
so we didn't have them. There are fairly reliable ways to keep
the stork at bay. (Hey kids! If you don't know what I'm talking
about here, go ask your parents. It's not the job of some hack
columnist to explain biological basics to someone else's child.
Go ask Mom and Dad and watch them squirm.) After about six years of marriage, however,
thoughts of a mini-me danced in my head. My wife and I discussed
it thoroughly and decided that having children was something
we both wanted to do. Scary? Yes. Exciting? Absolutely. Am I sure this is the best time to do this? No way. But having kids is one of those things
that if you wait for the perfect time to do it, you'll never
do it. If you think long enough, you can always come up with
a reason as to why now is not the best time. At some point,
you simply have to get the ball -- or in this case, the infant
-- rolling. Kind of a strange image, a rolling infant, but you
get the idea. Now is not the time to quibble about revamped clichés.
There are babies afoot! What I've enjoyed during my short period of
impending fatherhood is the repeated comment, "Your life
is going to change." I just file that under the "Well,
duh!" category. Are there people out there who truly believe
their lives will be the same once they have children? Certainly
no one can be that obtuse. Well, I guess there are some people
like that. I've met plenty of dim-twits in my day, and where
do dim-twits come from if not other dim-twits? So that's the big news. A little Spates is on the way. I'm very excited. I've been in dire need of column fodder. I figure I'm set for a while. |