David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published April 30, 2002

Why is Bob Tucker all over my trunk?

I was loading groceries into my trunk the other day. (Boy, if that's not an attention-getting lead sentence, I don't know what is.) It was then that I took a long look at it -- a little painted logo displaying the name of the dealership where my wife and I bought our car, Bob Tucker of Hoboken.

That's not the dealership's real name, you understand. The last thing in the world I need is some glad-handing car dealer sicking his lawyers on me because I dared to sully the good name of Bob Tucker. I'm not going to mention the name of the dealership that's painted on my trunk, but if you see me driving around, feel free to tailgate for a few seconds so you can get a good look.

Why do car dealers do that? Why do they paint their names on the cars they sell us? Furthermore, why do we consumers tolerate it?

I guess it's just one of the things that has been and ever shall be, so we don't really think about it. We accept the world as it's presented to us. Why is the sky blue? I don't know, it just is. Why do the swallows fly home to Capistrano? I don't know, they just do. Why do people watch professional wrestling? I couldn't tell you, but they do. Why do car dealers paint their names on the cars they sell? I'm stumped.

What other durable good has the seller's name on it? I don't mean the name of the company that produces it, mind you, I'm talking about the retailer's name. "Circuit City" isn't written anywhere on my Apple computer. "Kohl's" is nowhere to be found on my Nike tube socks. "Kroger" doesn't appear on my Florida kumquats. "Rooms to Go" isn't sewn into the back of my couch, and yet there's "Bob Tucker of Hoboken" painted on MY car.

Paying for advertising is the American way. Without advertising, there'd be no free network TV and no free radio. Without advertising, we'd have to charge -- oh, I don't know -- probably five bucks or so for each copy of the Chronicle instead of the bargain 50-cent newsstand price. Advertising pays the bills. Advertising is what makes a free-market economy go, so why should I provide free advertising space to Bob Tucker just because he sold me a car?

The way I figure, Bob Tucker should be paying ME to drive around town advertising his business. That would be a good negotiating point when you're sitting there in the dealer's office determining financing, deciding on leather vs. cloth seats, and considering whether you should spring for the $470 protective undercoating.

"And now, Mr. Spates, there's the matter of our ad on the trunk," the dealership sales rep says.

"Well, how much would you and Bob Tucker be willing to pay to have Bob's name featured so conspicuously?" I counter.

"OK, I can see I'm dealing with a pro here. I'm writing a figure down on this piece of paper. You tell me how this would affect your decision," the salesman says, sliding the paper to me.

I look at his lowball offer and say, "I can see that you're not interested in making a serious offer. I'll pass. Bob Tucker's not getting his name on my car for THAT price."

What I'm saying is make the dealer's ad an option, but an option in reverse. (Sounds like a football play, doesn't it?) If you, the buyer, agree to have the dealership's name on your car, then the dealer takes $500 off the final price. If you don't want Bob Tucker's name following you around for the life of your car, then the final price stays.

Here's another point to ponder. It costs money to paint "Bob Tucker of Hoboken" on thousands of cars and trucks every year. It's an expense to the business owner, right? Well, where do you think money for business expenses comes from? You guessed it, sales. Don't think for a minute that good ol' Bob is shelling money out of his own pocket to pay for the "Bob Tucker of Hoboken" on my car. I paid for that. Granted, it probably wasn't a lot of money, but I and my fellow consumers footed the bill.

The indignity of it! When I bought my Apple computer at Circuit City, a portion of the computer's price pays for advertising. It's all figured into the equation, and that's fine - it's how business is done in America. But Circuit City doesn't take it upon itself to paint its name and logo on my iMac, and that's the difference.

None of this is a big deal. One smart-alecky writer is not going to change the way cars are sold, but it gives you something to think about.

This is a promise. The next time I'm negotiating with a car salesman over the price of my next vehicle, I will ask that the name of the dealership be removed from the trunk. If it cannot be done to my satisfaction, I'll ask for a discount. No discount? I walk. Hey, why not? It's MY car and MY money.

I'm the customer, and the customer's always right. Bob Tucker's taking up valuable advertising space. I'm negotiating with the kumquat people for the space on my hood.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.