David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Jan. 21, 2003

I give you ... the 96-ounce burger

You won't find this on the drive-through menu, and it doesn't come wrapped in wax paper.
Have you read about the $41 hamburger in New York? Earlier this month Old Homestead Steakhouse began offering a 20-ounce burger, the ultimate gastrointestinal status symbol. It tops the $29 burger at DB Bistro Moderne as the city's priciest.

The Old Homestead burger is made from Kobe beef, which comes from, I kid you not, beer-fed, hand-massaged cows. I need a moment to fully regain consciousness. The phrase "beer-fed, hand-massaged" caused my brain to momentarily overload from an avalanche of potential jokes, most of which deal with men sitting in Barcaloungers watching TV. I'm better now. Let's move on. Old Homestead sold more than 200 $41 burgers the first day. The owner of DB Bistro isn't ready to wave the white flag just yet, however. He's set to offer a $50 burger, complete with shaved black truffles sitting atop a majestic patty, which combines truffle bits with ground sirloin and chuck, braised short ribs and foie gras. I'm sure it will be a big success.

A $41 burger? Ha! It's obviously meant for the city's hoi polloi. No self-respecting New Yorker would waste time with a $41 hamburger when there's a $50 version available.

In the spirit of the great New York Burger Battle, I'd like to make a world-premiere announcement -- right here, right now in the distinguished pages of the Crossville Chronicle. Dave's Basement Bistro is pleased to open its doors for the ultimate status dining experience. We have but one entree on the Basement menu. It's a $108 hamburger made from the choicest ground beef my local grocery store has to offer. There's no need to supersize it, either. As an enduring memorial to the great John Candy, our burger tips the scale at an artery-busting 96 ounces.

Although Dave's Basement Bistro isn't in the trendiest of New York neighborhoods, we more than make up for our diminished locale. In addition to a 96-ounce burger, we'll also provide you with photographic evidence of your purchase so you may prove to your pretentious friends that you have the wherewithal to afford a $108 hamburger. After all, why buy a $108 hamburger if no one sees you order it, right? That'd be like buying a $55,000 Hummer and no one seeing you behind the wheel.

Dave's Basement Bistro offers plenty of Hummer parking, and our dining room is tastefully decorated with the finest toddler toys and diaper pails money can buy.

Although there's only one entree on Dave's Basement Bistro menu, we offer a fine selection of side items, appetizers and beverages. What $108 hamburger would be complete without a $43 order of Funyons? I mean, really! If you're trying to impress your pals with the food you eat, you should go all out. Go ahead and spring for the $26 all-you-can-eat bowl of Cracker Jacks, and why not top off your magical evening with a $78 quivering slice of our legendary imported lime Jell-O mold? If you're still feeling a tad peckish after dessert, we're pleased to offer a to-go treat of Vienna sausages, lovingly and conveniently packaged in a keepsake Austrian glass jar. Just be careful not to spill the meat juice into your Hummer's cupholder on the way home.

As far as I can tell, it's all about the pricing. If you offer little but charge exorbitant prices, some moron with too much money will buy it. There are plenty of people in the world who want nothing more than to prove to us commoners that they have a big stack of cash. Sure, I could roll my eyes and talk about how ridiculous they are, or I can seize the opportunity. If people want to buy $41, $50 or $108 hamburgers, there will always be someone around to sell them. Oh, did I mention that Dave's Basement Bistro now features a delivery service? It's only an additional $159. Just phone in your order and in less than 24 hours a young lad dressed in a snappy red-and-blue uniform will deliver a hand-selected FedEx box to your door with your complete meal painstakingly packed inside. You don't even have to tip the delivery guy. We've taken care of it.

It's all part of the Dave's Basement Bistro experience.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.