David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published May 14, 2002

Clones already have
a leg up on the Menace

These are the times that Star Wars geeks like me yearn for. T-minus two days until the new movie, and I'm all a-twitter.

OK, OK, I know it might seem a little silly for a grown man to work himself into a froth over a movie, but this is Star Wars we're talking about.

I grew up with this. Star Wars is a connection to my childhood, a link to simpler days when a 7-year-old's biggest concern was that a new action figure had hit the stores but his allowance for taking out the trash was still a measly buck a week. That meant it would be at least three weeks before I got my hands on Greedo, but at the end of those three weeks, oh how the saints would come marching in! Finally, someone Han Solo can blast in the Cantina.

I don't apologize for continuing my Star Wars passion. The way I look at it, if you outgrow EVERYTHING you like, you're left with nothing. It's a relatively harmless obsession, and it's something I enjoy.

The obsession continues Thursday. That's when Episode II: Attack of the Clones hits theaters, and to be honest, I expect to enjoy myself more than I did when Episode I: The Phantom Menace came out, although nothing will compare with the thrills I had when I was 6, 9 and 12.

Why will I enjoy Clones over Menace? Let me explain.

(I'd like to pause for a moment while the vast majority of my readers put down the paper, realizing that the entire column is about nothing but Star Wars. OK, I think they're gone now. To the handful of you who have decided to march on, let's continue. Two movie-oriented columns in as many weeks, odd huh? Blame it on The Force.)

The problem with Menace was two-fold. The first difficulty manifested itself in the form of an annoying, floppy-eared imbecile named Jar Jar. Like a good Jedi, George Lucas has learned from his mistakes -- Jar Jar has been limited to less than four minutes of total screen time in Clones.

Already, things are looking up, right? The other problem with Episode I was the fact that it had been 16 years since the last Star Wars movie, Return of the Jedi. After a wait so long, there was nothing Lucas could have done, short of handing out $100 bills at the theaters, that could have lived up to fans' expectations. I was starved for Star Wars at that point, and my hunger wasn't going to be satisfied by much of anything. It was like not eating all day, and then finally being treated to a slice of homemade cheesecake. Sure, it's very good, but, OK, what else ya got?

Expectations aren't as high for Episode II, and I think that will help it shine.

That being said, Clones still has some mighty big shoes to fill. It stands as the second installment in the modern trilogy, a position held by what I feel is the strongest movie of the original trilogy, The Empire Strikes Back. It's the movie that will set up the final conflicts that will ultimately come to fruition in the yet-to-be-named third and final episode. (I realize that the episode numbering scheme may seem confusing for non-Star Wars fans, but I'm assuming that anyone who's read this far is familiar with Lucas' odd "prequels" concept. I won't bother explaining it.)

Is Clones up to the task of measuring up to Empire? I don't know. Again, it's a pretty tall order. Empire had so many good things going for it. Primarily -- and this is where Menace came up woefully short -- is the wonderful dialog of Empire.

For instance, there was the love-hate relationship that blossomed between Harrison Ford's Han Solo and Carrie Fisher's Princess Leia.

Han: "There aren't enough scoundrels in your life."

Leia: "I happen to like nice men."

Han: "I'm nice men."

Then, just as Han plops a big kiss on her, C-3PO interrupts them. That scene establishes context for a later moment when Han is about to be frozen alive -- possibly killed -- and Leia finally says, "I love you," only to have Han reply wryly, "I know."

Granted, Natalie Portman is no Carrie Fisher, and Ewan McGregor certainly is no Harrison Ford, but dialog like that is essential to providing a more human feel and jabbing humor, qualities the banal conversations in Menace sorely lacked.

By the way, I quoted all of that dialog from memory. I told you I was a geek.

So where will you be at 11:59 p.m. Wednesday evening (and well into Thursday morning)? If you're a normal person, you'll be asleep. My wife and I, however, being much too nerdy and far from normal, will be at the midnight showing of Clones. I saved up enough allowance to spring for tickets.

We even lined up a late-night babysitter. It was a lot of trash to take out, but I'm confident it'll be worth it.

· · ·
David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.