David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Nov. 26, 2002

What would Jesus drive?
Ask Big Bird

New parents are plagued with questions, many of which have no universal answer. Should I give my baby a pacifier? How much discipline is too much or too little? How long should I let my baby cry in the crib before I get her? Should I worry about the fish food she just ate?
The question that has troubled my mind the most is this: How does Big Bird function? Questions like this prevent me from being a fully productive member of society. They consume me.

There comes a point in most new parents' lives when they find themselves tuning into public TV each afternoon so their offspring may watch "Sesame Street." I find myself at this stage. My 19-month-old daughter, Anna, has no notion of conceptualized time and gives no acknowledgment to any clock in the house, and yet the child has an unwavering ability to sense when "Sesame Street" is about to come on, even when the TV has been off all day. I've seen the same ESP in other kids, too. I suspect toddlers have an extra genome for this purpose.

She watches "Sesame Street" because she likes Elmo, Cookie Monster, Bert and Ernie, the Count and Grover. I watch "Sesame Street" because I have no say in the matter. Having mastered my ABCs and 123s a few months ago, I've started to focus on other areas of the show, specifically the mysteries of Big Bird.

How do they do it? How on earth do they pull it off? The aptly named Big Bird is about 8 feet tall. Obviously, there's a person inside a Big Bird suit (Carol Spinney -- I looked it up). OK, fine. Carol, perhaps on stilts, operates the legs, arms, hands and head. Understandable thus far. The "big" question is how do Big Bird's mouth and eyes move? The eyes blink and the mouth opens and closes as the giant fowl speaks. How does this happen when Carol's arms, legs and head are occupied with Big Bird's corresponding arms, legs and head? There can't be two people in the Big Bird suit, can there? This isn't Industrial Light & Magic we're talking about -- it's the publicly funded PBS, the network that asks viewers for money in exchange for tote bags. A fine institution, but not exactly on the cutting edge of special effects. It's most vexing.

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The asterisks above indicate that this is one of those columns where I have a few partial thoughts that can't sustain an entire column in and of themselves. The same is true of the following asterisks.

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Well, let me see. I would guess that Jesus might drive an old Yugo or even a spiffy new Honda. The question, as posed by the Rev. Dan Smith, is, "WWJD? What would Jesus drive?"

Smith, an associate minister at Hancock United Church of Christ in Lexington, MA, raises the question so that folks might reconsider purchasing a hulking, gas-guzzling sport-utility vehicle. Smith and a growing number of pastors around the country are encouraging their parishioners to buy fuel-efficient cars and even hybrid models that utilize electric motors in conjunction with gasoline engines.

The question assumes Jesus knows how to drive, as I'm sure He does. It also assumes that Jesus, certainly a law-abiding citizen, would have a valid driver's license. How would you like to be working at the DMV the day Jesus walks in to take the driver's license exam? I'll bet He's a masterful parallel parker.

In all seriousness, though, the Rev. Smith is right. Basically what he's saying is that we mortals should be cognizant of the resources we use. I agree. Any private vehicle that gets less than 15 miles to the gallon is absurd. (Exemptions can be made for trucks and buses and whatnot that carry thousands of pounds of cargo.) Some of the largest SUVs get eight miles to the gallon! Eight! Is there anyone here who doesn't think that's a little ridiculous?

So why would Jesus drive an old Yugo or a Honda? Well, He was born in Asia's Middle East, just a stone's throw away from the former Yugoslavia, where the Yugos were made. I think Jesus would want to buy locally, but there aren't many car makers in the Middle East. They don't make Yugos anymore, so any Yugo He'd drive would be pretty old. However, since He is, technically, Asian, He might want to stick with own continent, and there are plenty of Japanese models from which to choose. Honda even makes a super-efficient gasoline-electric car.

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Can we please stop using "party" as a verb? Unless you're Prince and singing about 1999, just stop it. I beg you. I don't know why it grates on my nerves, but it does. I don't ask for much, but I'm asking for this.

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Happy Thanksgiving. Don't leave the gravy out too long.

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Finally, the following "bullet marks" indicate the end of the column, as opposed to the preceding asterisks which indicate separate topics. We have lots of little rules here at the newspaper. We're funny that way.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.