Mike Moser "I Say" Published June 7, 2002

Someone tell me
what it really means

Never have been a label reader and I have a bonafide theory on my labelphobia ... I just believe that what I don't know won't hurt me. I enjoy hotdogs, especially the ones with cheese in them, so why ruin a good meal by dwelling on what goes into one?

Same with a certain labeled canned chili. Man, gotta love that grease.

Besides, I have Anna at home who memorizes the small print on packages coming home from the grocery store, which results in a refrigerator and cabinet full of food stuffs with no taste, that are very unsatisfying but will extend our life so we can be all the more miserable longer.

Then I have Tess who comes home to remind me constantly of how I am gonna suffer a premature death, even though I am already old, because I smoke a pipe. I kinda wish Jan and Shane with the TAD Center and the DARE officers would not do such a thorough job. Couldn't you guys teach that pipe smoking is not good or bad?

Didn't think so.

This morning at work I bought a container of "original" orange juice, sipping it as I went through the morning mail, when I started noticing some of the claims highlighted on the label. Original? I wonder, what does that mean? The first one made? The much copied but real McCoy orange juice?

Then my eyes fell on a sub-label, "100 percent pure squeezed orange juice."

Well, now that was a revelation. Not only do we have original orange juice, but we have 100 percent pure squeezed orange juice. But what does that mean?

I had to ask myself, "What does the 100 percent mean?"

My old English teacher, whom I distinctly remember telling me to, "when in doubt, hyphenate," would admonish me, "With what does the 100 percent go?"

Does it mean the orange juice is 100 percent pure? The squeeze was 100 percent? Wait, it could mean the orange juice was 100 percent squeezed.

Have you ever noticed how much confusing the little novelty things in life can be?

Why do they call it jumbo shrimp?

What do they ship Styrofoam in?

Why do they put an expiration date on sour cream?

It is all too much for me to ponder when under deadline. Besides, Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good.

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Mike Moser is the editor of the Crossville Chronicle. His column is published periodically on Fridays.