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Mike Moser I accept offer to join
I was humbled and amused beyond description
this week when I was invited by a reader to join him and his
teammates as a qualified member of the United States Olympic
Resting Team. There are many motives for writing a weekly
column, among them the paycheck that comes around twice a month.
I believe most newspaper columnists write for one of three reasons:
to stimulate thought, to get a personal point across or to bring
a smile to the faces of readers. Most reaction-provoking columns generate angry
responses which Assistant Editor David Spates is a master of,
especially when he calls a certain former president a "slimeball." I am sure Chronicle staffmembers raised an
eyebrow when they heard me guffawing in my office earlier this
week as I read a reader's response to my recent column of May
4 on the perfect job, that being an inspector at the nearby La-Z-Boy
factory. I cannot begin to tell you the pleasure I
received in reading the letter reader Dan Jacober of Fairfield
Glade sent in response to the La-Z-Boy column. I will let Jacober take over the column from
here. "I can't tell you how delighted I was
reading your article in the May 4th Chronicle. I believe that
you are qualified to be a member of the United States Olympic
Resting Team. My teammates and I would be proud to call you a
fellow member. We need some younger blood to join our ranks. "Most of us are seniors and occasionally
someone will fall asleep during practice. This, of course, will
cost the team points during our Olympic event. I had one of our
practice sofas rigged to send a mild electric shock to any person
falling asleep during his or her practice. "I was cautioned that electronics would
be illegal and treated the same as drugs found in an athlete.
We would be automatically disqualified ... I will be happy to
send you one of our 'Official Resting Team T-shirts if you so
desire." Now, if that were not enough, he also sent
me a list of "optional positions for Olympic Resting Team
year 2000." Competitions, according to Coach Dan Jacober,
are: ·Sofa Lofa: Shoulders, buttocks, calves
and ankles must be resting on sofa surface. ·Tush in Cushion: Both cheeks on. ·Bottom on the Ottoman: Self-explanatory. ·The Floor Snore: Arms outstretched,
either side of face on carpet. ·Chair Dispair: Sitting on straight-backed
chair, shoulders slumped forward, head down resting on hands. ·The Recliner Whiner: Look sad, moan
lightly. ·The Rug Hug: Face down, arms at 90
degrees, toes digging into rug. ·Dead in Bed: Flat on back, eyes rolled
back, shallow breathing leading to holding breath for two minutes.
Not an easy one. Coach Jacober adds that there are five original
positions and for me as a new member to "be creative, practice,
practice and practice." And to top it off, the Coach sent photos to
illustrate additional positions. I had to admit, after a week of dealing with
water issues, readers irate about their names being published
in the police reports, the tragedy of others in our community
and politics in general, Coach Jacober's letter and invitation
was a much-appreciated breath of fresh air. I loved it. I could
even hear in my mind's stereo system a distant fife playing "America,
the Beautiful," as I swelled with pride at the thought of
being asked to join such an esteemed and patriotic team. I humbly accept the invitation to join this team for the honor of family and country. God bless America and pass the pretzels. |