In an online petition to Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the National Football League, members of the USARPS League ask "why is a sport synonymous with training, skill and preparation dictated by gravity's effect on change?” Citing mathematical analysis by Stanford professors, USARPS charges that a coin lands on the same side it began on more than 51 percent of the time; turning the notion of an arbitrary coin toss on its heads — or tails. "Thus, the integrity of the Super Bowl is marred before it even begins,” laments the USARPS Web site.
In case you're wondering, USARPS stands for the USA Rock Paper Scissors League. Yes, as in Rock beats Scissors.
Childish as it sounds, I'm inclined to add my John Hancock to this electronic petition — evidently Paper is strictly for hand-to-hand combat. After all, Rock, Paper, Scissors has been used to settle everything from playground disputes to federal court cases, so why not who gets the football first at Super Bowl XLI.
For the uninitiated or overly sheltered, Rock, Paper, Scissors is a hand game often used as a selection method; usually picking a person for some purpose like drawing enemy sniper fire or cleaning the frat house toilet bowl. Rock, Paper, Scissors has served as an arbitrator from the australopithecine period to the Internet age. Although those early Rock, Rock, Rock games lead to a few impasses.
In fact, a Florida judge in 2006 ordered opposing sides in a lengthy court case to settle the appropriate place for a deposition using a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. A paradox for a profession used to serving papers — although throwing rocks comes naturally.
As complex flow charts go, Rock, Paper, Scissors follows a simple circular logic: Rock beats Scissors, Scissors beats Paper, Paper beats Rock. Mathematical types use Rock, Paper, Scissors as an example of the concept of non-transitivity. According to information at the online encyclopedia Wikipedia: a transitive relation R is one for which a R b and b R c implies a R c. Just typing those words induces "If Train A is traveling at 45 mph” grade school math flop sweat.
Of course one way to shake up the non-transitive mind set is to throw a little TNT at it. As a kid, our games of Rock, Paper, Scissors were often peppered with such impurities as Dynamite — which could only be extinguished by the snip of Scissors — and Pencil, a hapless victim to all but Paper. I think someone tried to throw in Thermal Nuclear Warhead but the gesture took two hands.
As RPS sessions extended beyond best two out of three, however, you began to identify and exploit the non-random behavior of your opponent. Or perhaps you just learned to cheat better.
In order to ensure a level playing field, the World Rock Paper Scissors Society standardized a set of rules for international play in 2002. The World RPS Society hosts the world championships in Canada, which last year saw Bob "The Rock” Cooper of Great Britain defeat 496 competitors to take the tile. Ironically, he won with a pair of scissors. Here in the states, the USARPS League held its inaugural championship last April in Las Vegas with a $50,000 top prize. I guess I should start brushing up on my non-transitive hand gestures.
As gestures go, I'm fairly confident NFL Commissioner Goodell will pass on the USARPS petition. However, he should take note that the National Basketball Association's Minnesota Timberwolves are hosting a USARPS League-sanctioned tournament — the final match to take place on the court during a Wolves-Utah Jazz game. Hey, if Prince can perform during halftime at Super Bowl XLI, what's so strange about Peyton Manning and Brian Urlacher meeting at the 50-yard line for a Rock, Paper, Scissors throw-down for the ball.
It doesn't take a coin toss to determine the greater entertainment value.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com