For many, February 14 means expressing the innermost yearnings of their soul with words such as 'doth' and 'thou' in iambic pentameter. Others draw a heart and sign their name on the opposite side the UPC barcode. Throw in a box of chocolates soaked in trans fat and a dozen long-stem roses sold by the nanometer and you've hit the Valentine's Day trifecta of commercialism. I usually seal the deal by dinning out at an establishment sans combo meals or chewed crayons at the table and perhaps two forks at each place setting.
At it's lace-trimmed heart, Valentine's Day is a holiday synonymous with mass-produced words of affection.
Every year, would-be Romeos and Juliets search the racks of greeting card shops, grocery stores and 24-hour gas stations for just the right words. Some choose a love that flies on gossamer wings. Others opt for the sublime 'Yeah I yell at the football game, leave my dirty underwear on the floor and drink too much beer, but I love ya' babe' card. Then there are those that buy cards with sunglass-wearing primates, dogs driving cars or the ubiquitous bow and arrow Cupid.
Statistically speaking, the Greeting Card Association estimates that one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making Valentine's Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year behind Christmas. That's a lot of cards with words inside that rhyme with nicer.
Of course back in Ancient Rome there was no Hallmark shop nearby, so instead of sending cards they celebrated Lupercalia on February 15. At this time many of the noble youths would run up and down the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they met with shaggy thongs. Some how the idea of running around with only a shaggy thong in northern Michigan in February hardly seems sporting — although being the butt of the joke seems pretty much a given. As for putting feelings down on paper, legend has it that St. Valentine passed a love note to his jailer's daughter that read, "From Your Valentine” on the evening before he was to be martyred for being a Christian. Talk about setting the bar too high for the rest of us guys.
Also setting us up for Valentine's Day failures at an early age was the 32 pack of tiny cards with seemingly big implications. Unlike the math homework crumpled at the bottom of your locker, selecting the right Valentine's Day card was an assignment not taken lightly. Passing out a Valentine card with a certain four letter word could spell trouble. Suddenly you and Betty go from sitting next to each other in class to sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Before you know it, first comes love, second comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.
Succumbing to these playground taunts, you took it like a man — and ran for your life. Of course some guys never stop, they just run around in red convertibles and gold medallion chains.
Not the type to unbutton his shirt to the navel, author Victor Hugo said that love is a portion of the soul itself, and it is of the same nature as the celestial breathing of the atmosphere of paradise. Hardly the stuff of $2.50 plus tax, but some words don't come cheap.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com