Four months into the rigors of kindergarten, our curly hair genius is starting to put her world together one letter at a time. Of course all this reading and writing adds up to making a Christmas wish list and spell checking it twice on the computer. I carefully avoided the fact, however, that we lack Santa's e-mail address and a working Internet provider to send her missive to the North Pole.
As a parent, I try to disillusion my child in manageable increments in hopes of avoiding group therapy — at least until the teen-angst years.
For Christmas 2007, cute and cuddly remain high on the shopping list; which means no disembodied Otimpus Prime voice changer robot head under the tree this year. Growing up in the era of anvil-dropping Saturday morning cartoon violence, my wife and I have indoctrinated our child into proclaiming anything beyond My Little Pony squabbles as too violent or "for boys” — the latter being her own words. If only she would shy away from gratuitous violence and boys for the next 20 years.
Of course our child isn't being raised in a biosphere or on a faithfully recreated set from "Little House on the Prairie.” She has seen cable television — albeit the basic variety — and set foot in a toy store.
With this in mind, I carried out a scientifically flawed experiment on some of the top Christmas toys for 2007; none of which involved testing for lead laced with cheap plastic toys. Instead, I asked for my five year old daughter's opinion about each toy, coupled with daddy's unwarranted remarks. Naturally, after our daughter masters the whole reading concept, she can add this column to the first group therapy session.
• TMX Elmo: With three tickle spots, the newest TMX Elmo is guaranteed to double over in hysterics.
Five year old says "Elmo hurts my ears.” Daddy says Elmo is a sellout — as in dance little puppet and do your corporate master's bidding. This little red guy hasn't met an indignity he won't stoop to in order to make the list each year. Elmo reinvents himself more than Madonna. Last I looked, the sole Elmo doll at our house was stuck under our bed. I should call him Infected by Rabid Dust Bunnies Elmo and sell it on eBay.
• Bratz Magic Hair Salon: Salon pumps real water and kids can wash, color, streak and glitter dolls' hair.
Five year old says "Bratz don't listen to their moms or dads.” Daddy says your mother's mind control, er suggestions, still hold sway. A child playing with a toy called Bratz, talk about your self-fulfilling prophecy.
• Sakura Robot: The first robot designed for girls. Robot gives fashion tips, offers compliments, keeps secrets and dances to five different songs.
Five year old says "not really.” Daddy says at $69.99 plus tax, Sakura's friendship doesn't come cheap. Is there a model for young teen girls that pokes fun at your fashion sense, offers backhanded compliments, divulges your secrets to the entire girl's gym locker room and dances to five different songs with the boy you have a crush on at the junior high prom?
• Barbie Girls: Doll is actually an MP3 player that holds 512 megabytes of music.
Five year old says "I like to hug and play with dolls.” Daddy says Ken can feel totally inadequate now that Barbie can plug herself into the sound system in her Corvette. Seriously, how will older brothers torment their siblings now that Barbie's head is hard-wired to her shoulders?
• Thomas and Friends Load and Sort Recycling Center: Thomas the little blue train goes eco-green as cargo slides through recycling center.
Five year old says "perfect for boys, not girls.” Daddy says public relations department must be wearing the conductor's hat these days after several lead paint recall derailments.
• Amazing Mackayla Doll: Interactive doll that expresses real emotions and — perhaps more importantly — recognizes her accessories.
Five year old says "I would like that.” Daddy says you can never be too young to recognize your accessories — even if you can't control your bodily functions.
• Smart Cycle: Child-sized stationary bike that is really a fitness video game system.
Five year old says "are you done asking questions?” Daddy says what ever happened to turning laps in the driveway on your Huffy? Nothing like sharing quality time with your child: she pedaling in front a video game, you spinning in front of daytime talk shows.
It's safe to say that we'll try to eke out another Christmas morning at the Leiva house with presents closer to Laura Ingalls Wilder rag dolls than bratty or USB port ready ones. Although this past weekend the shopping bags contained Christmas card photos and a 48 pack of AA batteries. I assume this means either our flashlights will never go dark, or we're merely stocking up for the inevitable.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com