There is one thing that every newspaper columnist worth their curmudgeonly salt dreads — a new mug shot. This is my time to grin and bear it.
Trite as it sounds, a picture is often worth a 1,000 words. I promise not to ramble on that long. Although being strung up by a dangling participle is preferable to sitting still for a photo.
Officially I've decided to blame the new computer system for my latest perm a-grin picture. After all, unfamiliar software is the token scapegoat in the newsroom these days. The real reason, however, comes down to bad exposure. My spouse, and all-around muse, pointed out that my previous mug shot looked straight out of central booking.
So I reluctantly donned a clean collared shirt and put a new face with my name.
Of course I am but a misdemeanor character in the rogues' gallery of newspaper columnist mug shots. While syndication might vindicate writing ability, it can also show why your face belongs on radio — or in the funny pages. However, most tried and true journalists are concerned with bylines not Botox facials.
Naturally, there are a few sonorous smirks on the Opinion page. I'm sure some readers have rearranged these faces with #2 pencil eye patches and obscene word balloons.
While I write under the pretense of a humor column, my mug shot doesn't show it. Instead, I'm the portrait child of self-deprivation. Seriously, I hate getting my picture taken.
My photo phobia probably started with school picture day. Kindergarten was the crying year, first grade I lost several teeth and the ability to smile, while second through fifth grade I fell victim to helmet hair.
Unfortunately during the formidable years of elementary school, your entire existence could be defined by an awful yearbook photo.
Today I still have a hard time with posed photography. As in hands on knees, feet together, tilt chin, eyes forward now relax and smile shots.
Thankfully newspaper mug shots are 11 picas wide or less. As a rule, that means small enough to hide both the need for a haircut and utter disdain for getting your picture taken. Process color pages, however, can enhance underlying facial expressions.
As mug shots go, it looks like I've busted out of the hoosegow category. In fact, I can almost grin and bear it being in print. However, feel free to draw your own conclusions — or eye patch.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or email gleiva@gtherald.com