Grieving the loss of her mom in a car accident, her aunt and cousin in another, Ashley found comfort sharing her tears and loss with other young people.
Attending the three-day Children's Bereavement Network camp last weekend at Ranch Rudolph, the 11-year-old enjoyed all the usual camp activities — horseback riding, tubing, swimming, games, arts and crafts. Interspersed with the fun were times to talk, share, contemplate and grieve these losses; to cry without being told to be strong, to be angry without alienating listeners.
Turning to adult volunteers and teen buddies for support, Ashley and the 18 other youth campers from around the region and state bonded through shared losses — and new found hope.
"The most helpful thing was everybody was ready to pitch in and help to have some fun," said the Gaylord resident, a veteran rider who loved the horseback riding. "A lot of people here were going through what I'm going through."
Attending with her nine-year-old brother, Ashley sang a song during Sunday morning's memorial service. The young campers organized the service, which included songs, original poetry and a song interpreted in sign language. A large trellis featured a scroll listing the names lost loved ones of attendees, teen buddies and adult volunteers. After the service, participants received the portion of the scroll with their loved ones name on it as a keepsake.
The service and the camp concluded with a flower thrown in the river in honor of lost loved ones followed by an upbeat song to help turn tears into resolve. Many family members of campers attended and participated in this service.
"Throwing the flower made me sad," she said, adding: "I've made some good friends."
Providing an outlet in a culture uncomfortable with death and grieving, the Children's Bereavement Network began five years ago. Dan Brown of Gaylord founded it and Cindy Witkowski of Traverse City has been one of the key helpers since the beginning.
The volunteer members of the nonprofit network have hosted six camps since 2001 and touched many young lives. Trained adult volunteers, some drawn from Michael's Place in Traverse City, guide and shape the weekend.
Because of demand, each child may attend only once and organizers field questions from older ones eager to give back.
"We had three more kids today who said, 'How old do I have to be [to be a teen buddy?]'" said Pat Sommerfeld of Alpena, Witkowski's sister and this year's board president. "The goal of teen buddies is to have one for each camper and the idea is that you only have a weekend and many kids will not open up to adults but they will open up to a bigger kid."
"We've found it to be incredible," she added. "We train the kids, do role playing on what to say or not to say."
The Children's Bereavement Network is relentlessly positive while still accepting of the varying cycles and intensities of grief. Knowing that a grieving child comes from a grieving family, where resources of the adult or adults are often stretched to cope with the loss, the Children's Bereavement Network camp provides a safe place for children to express their feelings.
Terming tears "crystals from Heaven," leaders tell campers that it is OK to cry. Even craft sessions, where campers made macramé bracelets and chose colored beads corresponding to their feelings, provided an outlet for feelings.
"We're teaching these kids that they are not alone, which is so important," said Sommerfeld. "Our whole theme is that in life there is hope."
The camp experience concludes with a gathering in October where campers and their families gather with teen buddies and adult volunteers for a follow-up session. Children receive a teddy bear made from a piece of material they brought to the camp in memory of their loved one while adults receive a list of further resources if needed.
"The teddy bear with the heart, you can hold and sleep with that teddy bar and will always have that piece of material," noted Sommerfeld. "It's the final closure."
For more information on the Children's Bereavement Network, contact Witkowski at 935-1406.