February 16, 2005
Date night without parental guidance
By
Herald Editor
Nothing says "I love you" like Kung Pao chicken and the boogeyman. Throw in some trans fat-soaked popcorn and it's a date.
To avoid the amorous rush, my beloved and I celebrated Valentine's Day 48 hours early. Spontaneity often takes a backseat to a minivan carseat. Thankfully, some kindhearted cupids took pity on this couple and we hit the town sans offspring.
While normally not dinner and a movie traditionalists, we opted for Hunan heartburn and tasteless cinema. Surprisingly, the evening didn't end up with Syrup of Ipecac nightcaps in the emergency room.
Going out on a date has dramatically changed since our first nine o'clock showing in 1988. I'll never forget "Alien Nation" - although I've yet to see a single second of footage. It was a make out date, we just skipped the movie theater pretense. So 17 years later, I'd like to publicly apologize to my in-laws for taking your daughter out on false pretenses. Hopefully I won't be banished to the kids' table at Thanksgiving - again.
One of the most daunting dating tasks facing a young would-be suitor - parental approval. In my case, I had to make the grade with my high school English teacher. Evidently I passed, since three weeks ago this same man had me connecting electrical wires.
Me: "So I can put these two grounds together?"
Father-in-law Al: "Sure, but first throw that 20 amp breaker while you step in this bucket of water."
Me: "Are you sure that's code?"
Father-in-law Al: "Sure, son. After we finish, how about renting a movie - maybe 'Alien Nation'."
Aside from meeting the parents, the other big teen year dating consideration is making curfew.
Luckily, my trusty Carmine plaid interior Chevette had impeccable timing for a four cylinder. Finding a parking spot wasn't a problem; even down back roads straight out of low-budget horror movies. My philosophy, if you put the car in the ditch, don't ask the guy wearing a hockey mask in July for a ride. Or for that matter, chainsaw-wielding, homicidal maniacs; even if his towing company does accept your auto insurance.
These days, my wife and I don't take the Dodge Grand Caravan two-tracking. Instead, we actually go to the nine o'clock showing on those rare movie dates. Which is how we ended up sitting through 100 horrific minutes of "The Boogeyman" last Saturday. The real scary part; we could have provided PG for half of the audience.
While I have no problem stomaching Kung Pao or cheesy special effects, one thought makes me ill. Fourteen years from now, a nice young man will stand on the front porch waiting to take our daughter to "Alien Nation." If he throws in the trans fat-soaked popcorn it's a date - double that is.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com