August 24, 2005

AARP card mailing first-class fright

By
Herald Editor

      I am a child of the Smiley Face Seventies. However, one bulk mailing wiped that pop culture expression off my face. Actually it took three little words: Welcome to AARP.
      Somewhere a Pet Rock weeps.
      I rarely find opening junk mail an eye-opening experience. The letter from the Office of the Executive Director of AARP not only caught my eye, it dropped my jaw. I had gone from 30-something-parental-potty-training crisis to bald-man-driving-little-red-sports-car mid-life crisis.
      Not being totally divorced from reality (or the former CEO and impish president of www.soldmystocksharesbeforethetechbubbleburst.com), I know my golden pocket watch years are multitudinous minutes away. According to William D. Novelli and his machine-generated John Hancock, however, "our records show that you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership, even though you are fully eligible." So I guess it is my turn to cut the dehydrated white cake iced with retirement platitudes in the company lunch room.
      Surely someone down at AARP misplaced a decimal point or forgot to carry the 1. Right now an extra-t Garrett Leiva in Zephyrhills, Fla. is fuming by his mailbox.
      Admittedly, some days I feel closer to 55 than 25. Bumps, bruises and run-ins with my still 18 years old mind-set take longer to heal. My 40 yard dash out to get the newspaper in my boxer shorts and barefeet time has also slowed. I get winded chasing after my fleeting youth - three year olds in pigtails are surprisingly aerodynamic.
      Undoubtedly, I'm not the only Seventies relic mistakenly put on the AARP mailing list. The following should expect membership registration invite letters any day:
      - Bert and Ernie (one might even qualify for the free spouse/partner membership)
      - H.R. Pufnstuf
      - Sea Monkeys
      - The Bugaloos
      - Farrah Fawcett's feathered hair (Farrah qualified years ago)
      - The Bay City Rollers (even though the band was from Scotland)
      - Wheelie and the entire Chopper Bunch
      - Bean bags
      - Atari
      - Punk Rock
      - Nerf balls
      - Zapata mustaches
      It has been said that age is not a number but a state of mind. This statement is often found in the "Getting Older" section at Hallmark, right next to "Old Fart." My real age mind-set is somewhere between turning 30 and pushing 40.
      Perhaps I will take Mr. Novelli up on his no postage necessary if mailed in the United States offer. After all, I'm fully eligible - if you ignore the 50 and older bold typeface fine print.
      Too bad the card would arrive after our vacation this week, I could have saved on airfare, hotel reservations, even car rental. Instead of a cheap compact, I would have opted for the mid-life crisis Mustang - a red, bald guy hair dryer model. Just imagine the reaction of the Echo Boomer behind the Hertz counter when I pulled out my AARP card.
      No need to guess what facial expression this Seventies relic would be wearing.
      Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or email gleiva@gtherald.com