September 8, 2004

Summer commute tedious road trip

By
Herald Editor

      Summer road trips are idyllic fun-in-the-sun-head-out-the-window-64-ounce-Slurpee-cup holder rites of passage.
      Unfortunately, I've traveled few miles of hyphenated fun this summer. The odometer trip meter shows 2,816 miles, yet I've barely gone anywhere. Summer 2004 will go down as a commute not a passage.
      For the past three months we've lived out of a suitcase or two as our new house took shape. Thanks to Uncle Bill, we've had a roof over our collective heads this summer. The daily downside has been the commute from Benzonia to Traverse City. Thirty-four miles doesn't seem like much until it's Labor Day and you've driven past petrified Pepe Le Pew since the Fourth of July.
      No mincing words, this commute downright stinks. Pepe, not so much anymore.
      They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It appears the potholes along US-31 are also filled in the same manner. Actually, the drive from Benzonia to Traverse City is pretty uneventful. Of course this necessitates someone of my limited attention span to take the road less traveled. Which is why our auto insurance includes a towing provision.
      Now the road less traveled is often that way for a good reason. However, I subscribe to the theory that the path of enlightenment requires taking alternate routes. Which sounds like a bumper sticker found on a VW van resting at the bottom of a pond near the Bates Motel. Thankfully, I drive a Jeep and I've seen "Psycho" five times.
      To make my summer commute more tolerable, I brake for backroad shortcuts. True, it's hard to set your cruise control on a two-track and mud bogging eats into your mpg. However, I've discovered a ten-road shortcut that cuts my commute by half a mile. All I do is get up an hour early and I make it to work right on time.
      Although one time, I swear a half-naked Ned Beatty darted across the road as banjo music drifted across Crystal Lake.
      I've found a few other roadside attractions in my travels this summer. The vast majority involve weeds overrun with vintage vehicles. These tetanus-shots-waiting-to-happen sirens lure me down dirt roads and behind barns. My wife worries I'll drag back some dilapidated Dodge or forlorn Ford. "Honestly honey, this one-wheel Mustang followed me home. So can I keep it?"
      Among the typical traffic, political and yard sale signage dotting my daily commute, a few roadside signs stand out. My favorite: a small sign advertising "Now open - grave sites" a few hundred yards from a cemetery. I've yet to stop and confirm this fact.
      While the commute from Benzonia to Traverse City is tiresome, I've been along for the ride on worse road trips.
      - Any Upper Peninsula road in January. It's hard to stay between the white lines when every inch of blacktop is covered with five feet of snow. Rear wheel drive donuts in the grocery store parking lot are part of the driver's ed. final exam.
      - Iowa in August. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Oh look kids, more corn.
      - Going through Gary, Ind. ... at night ... in the rain ... at 5 mph ... on an Amtrak. Not a "road trip" per se, but a mental trip none the less.
      - I-75 south to Florida. Sitting in an oozing bean bag chair in the back of a full-size Ford van listening to Boots Randolph on 8-track. Or maybe that was just my childhood scar.
      In less than two weeks, our house will be done - so too the Summer 2004 commute. I only have 576 miles left, plus or minus a few two-track shortcuts. After we move in, I'm resetting the trip meter, filling up the 64 ounce cup holder and hitting the road for some hyphenated fun.
      Call me crass, but Pepe won't be riding shotgun.
      Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com