November 10, 2004
Computer problems really byte
By
Herald Editor
Like Felix and Oscar, Optiplex GX 150 and I are an odd couple. It speaks sterile zeroes and ones. My response is dirty adjectives.
Computer problems are a byte. In a world ruled by binary digits, I am not part of the greater equation. I'm computer literate on the See Spot Run level, not the Iliad.
For the past two weeks, Optiplex GX 150 - better known as Perplex - has had it in for me. Now most computers rely on viruses with comic book villain names to wreak hard drive havoc. Optiplex GX 150 considers this a hack job. Wiping out e-mails or obliterating files requires a degree of 100100001001 or some other pretentious French saying.
Perplex often chooses the cryptic message box to taunt his prey. After lobotomizing the CPU last week, Perplex left behind "Citizen Kane" 'rosebud' final words: subscript out of range. It was so bad that our computer techs - human beings who actually understand baud rates - had never heard this phrase.
In the end, there's only one option left when computers go to HAL - pull the plug.
Raised in the monolithic age of Pong, I grew up while the computer shrank. Our first home computer was a glorified keyboard hooked up UHF style to a television set. It was a Texas Instrument 99/4A that spoke not in a drawl, but in BASIC. Which meant after 14 hours of typing hellish algorithms, you could get a stickman to dance across the screen. That is if you didn't confuse a greater than sign with a less than - then you gave up and did something productive, like play Parsec (the thinking man's Space Invaders).
Looking back, I'm quite certain Jawas in "Star Wars" spoke BASIC. Or maybe it was Pascal Turbo pig Latin.
While the proliferation of computers brought promise, it also meant high-tech heebie-jeebies. By the time I turned 31 years old, HAL 9000 would be running amok in outer space. I would lie awake at night and wonder if you could really start Global Thermonuclear War with a crummy TRS-80 computer like Matthew Broderick in "War Games". World domination seemed only a 5 1/4" floppy drive away.
Over time, I outgrew these childish fears and bought my own computer. I only had to sell my car to pay for an Apple. Today, this same computer's storage space is all about the basement, not RAM. Statistics - compiled on a soon-to-be outdated computer somewhere - note that many people discard their computer every three years for a new model. In other words, don't "offending command" me Optiplex GX 150.
Of course if you are reading this sentence, you know who is number one and who is less than. So it is only fitting that I get the last 0101.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com