August 25, 2004
Toddler Olympics test of mettle
Sub head
Picking up eight Olympic medals for swimming a few laps in the pool hardly holds water to just finishing the 2x1 diaper relay.
Now in its final week, the Summer Olympic games official start waning when the badminton shuttlecock is struck. However, the thrill of potty chair victory and the agony of 14 straight hours without a nap continues at the Toddler Olympics.
Unfortunately, my chances fall under the category of Ethiopian weightlifting team.
I've only caught highlights from the XXVIII Olympics between Itsy-Bitsy Spider time trials with our 2 1/2 year old. Ella did enjoy seeing Michael Phelps "splash" in the pool and Paul Hamm "hop like bunny." In fact, after her 200 freestyle in the tub, Ella streaked across the living room for a floor exercise ancient Greek style. Although her routine was flawless, there was a half point deduction for the wet spot next to the sofa.
While these athletes sacrifice and suffer for their sport, pilates can't prepare you for Toddler Olympics.
Overall, the Toddler Olympics share similarities with the big boy and steroid girl games. Both have governing bodies that are often ineffective at enforcing rules. The Toddler Olympics also includes trainers, coaches and judges - also known as parents, grandparents and parents of other toddlers. Both Olympics draw spectators - especially for full-body tantrums in the grocery store.
Unfortunately, the Toddler Olympics also suffers from doping incidents. Sometimes Mountain Dew is the only way to keep up with a 27 pound insomniac.
Naturally, the two Olympics differ when it comes to actual events. The following is a comparison of grownup games and Toddler Olympic counterparts. Like an old-school Iron Curtain judge, I have a slight bias.
Track and field
- 100-meter dash: Athletes try to outrun each other and charges of acceleration through chemistry.
- Toddler Olympics 100-meter dash: Parent sprints across front yard to prevent ingestion of sidewalk chalk.
- 110-meter hurdles: See above with several obstacles to trip over.
- Toddler Olympics 110-meter hurdles: Also see above with a tricycle, wagon or Elmo doll to trip over.
- Long jump or high jump: Athletes attempt to spring forward or up a great distance.
- Toddler Olympic long jump or high jump: Parents attempt not to ask how high or far when toddler says spring forward or up a great distance.
- Marathon: Runners push their bodies to the breaking point for 26 miles 385 yards.
- Toddler Olympics marathon: Parents push their minds to the breaking point watching "Barney" for 26 minutes and 385 seconds.
Swimming
- Butterfly, backstroke, freestyle, breast stroke: Athletes swim certain distance in the pool by kicking their legs and flailing their arms.
- Toddler Olympics butterfly, backstroke, freestyle, breast stroke: Toddler kicks legs and flails arms at the mention of bedtime. Parents get that sinking feeling.
Weightlifting
- Clean and jerk: Athlete attempts to hold an outrageous amount of weight over their head.
- Toddler Olympics clean and jerk: Parent holds sleeping toddler in one arm while attempting to balance outrageously outdated checkbook. You can guess who is the jerk in this scenario.
Wrestling
- Greco-roman: One guy in David Lee Roth spandex get-up tries to pin other guy in David Lee Roth spandex get-up.
- Toddler Olympics greco-roman: Parents sporting David Lee Roth bedhead wrestle with toddler over diaper supremacy - no pins, no spandex, just Velcro.
So while the torch in Athens will be snuffed out this Sunday, Toddler Olympians continue to burn the midnight oil at all hours. No closing ceremonies honoring Nike; the goddess of overpriced footwear.
In 2008, the summer games will be held in Beijing. If I am still anchoring the 2x1 diaper relay, I deserve a medal - something in a shade of gold.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com