October 1, 2003
Paying the price for being honest
By
Herald Editor
Honesty may be the best policy, but it won't get you a free lunch.
Midwest upbringing, the Boy Scouts or a dominant nice guy gene - I can't honestly say what is the source of my rectitude. Unlike corrupt CEOs, I've always felt compelled to return things not rightly mine. The little angel whispering in my ear always wins out, even when my rational is "oh, what the hell."
The latest run-in with my conscience involved a club sandwich.
Monday afternoon I ran across the street to grab a quick bite to eat. However, getting a sandwich to go usually means you pay before departing. Instead I skipped the purchasing part and went straight for the door. Surprisingly, no one said a word, unless you count thank you.
I had accidentally reinvented the old dash and dine routine. Kind of like robbing a bank via the drive-thru.
However, before taking a bite I realized my transaction transgression. I returned to the scene of my near crime and promptly paid up.
"I didn't want to ruin the whole free lunch adage," I quipped to the girl behind the counter.
"Thanks," she said, genuinely glad to endure my lame joke to ensure the register cashed out correctly.
I honestly never considered scarfing down a sandwich at someone else's expense. Besides, the extra side of guilty would have given me gut-wrenching indigestion.
I guess having an honest face means people forget to charge you admission or they hand over extra raffle tickets. Luckily for them, my honesty goes deeper than the epidermal layer.
Truth be told, I have resorted to little white lies and a few royal flush poker faces. As a kid, crying probably played a factor in getting off the proverbial hook. Real tears would cascade down my cheeks whenever I was in trouble, while my accomplices (or accusers) could only conjure up the crocodile variety. The painfully real dry-heave sobbing didn't hurt my cause either.
Overall, I wasn't one of those kids found hanging from a telephone wire with his pants on fire.
The only time I tried to tell an outright lie, I failed miserably. A couple of years ago I took a lie detector test to provide background information for an article on a polygraph examiner. I was instructed to take a playing card, look at it, then put it back in the deck. The examiner would ask a series of numbers, including my selected card, and I should answer "no" to each question.
After only eight inquires, the examiner knew my card number was ten. I guess his first clue was sweat gland activity levels spiking like seismograph readings at a Godzilla slugfest in downtown Tokyo.
Unfortunately, honesty is its own reward - otherwise known as no good deed goes unpunished. How else can you explain standing in the long line with 13 grocery items or claiming the actual vehicle sale price at the Secretary of State. I won't even claim the dog as a dependent during tax season.
While settling up on a 'free' sandwich is easy, returning cold hard cash is tougher to swallow.
Somehow while closing out a bank account, I ended up with an extra $1,000 cash. Naturally this monetary windfall came during our salad days of marriage. For a few moments, I had 1/3 my annual salary tucked between a library card and a $.25 off small fry coupon. Admittedly, my wife and I contemplated a life on the lam without Ramen noodles.
In the end, we did the honest thing and returned the cash. To rub salt in our integrity, the teller didn't even send us a thank-you card.
Aside from rectifying the bank boo-boo, we also saved Fannie Mae from faulting on my wife's student loan - twice. On two separate occasions the company insisted we had paid off every penny of a $20,000 loan amount. My wife and I considered tossing out the hot plate and making a run to Mexico.
However, we knew the nil amount was a computer glitch that would come back to byte us with compounded interest. We are still paying for this good deed.
Despite paying for free food and returning errant riches, I'm not bitter about my choices - honestly. Just the same, tomorrow I'm packing my lunch.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com