November 26, 2003

Thanksgiving: Sensory overload

By
Herald Editor

      In the holiday spirit, the usual column fodder has been replaced with a one act play in which the four senses take leave of their faculties while partaking in the gluttonous gastronomy known as Thanksgiving.
     
      Act I / Scene I
       The place: a kitchen
      The time: 12:25 p.m.
      [Warming up for the main course]
      Eyes: I say it every year, but this time I really am bigger than the stomach.
      Mouth (chewing): This relish tray is a real misnomer. Hey index finger, get your phalange out of my black olive!
      Nose: This stinks. I have a cold on Thanksgiving. My nostrils are stuffed - and it ain't with Stove Top.
      Ears: Everyone quiet! Did someone turn on the Lions game yet?
      Mouth (chewing): Hey, one turkey at a time. Is this real butter? I'm trying to watch my trans fatty acid intake.
     
      Act I / Scene II
       The place: a dining room table
      The time: 12:30 p.m.
      [The feast begins]
      Eyes: Are my pupils dilated or is that real cranberry sauce?
      Nose: Don't ask me, everything reeks of menthol Kleenex.
      Mouth (chewing): MMM ... another slice of tryptophan, heavy on the gravy please.
      Ears: Shhh! I think the Lions just got 10-yard penalty on the coin toss.
      Eyes: I'm not sure if it is being home for the holidays or the green bean and onion casserole, but I feel like crying.
      Mouth (chewing): Hey, Frank Capra-corn, stay focused on the mashed potatoes.
     
      Act I / Scene III
       The place: a living room couch
      The time: 1:10 p.m.
      [Indigestion and the Detroit Lions ensue]
      Eyes: Must ... stay ... awake ... Uncle Bill ... by ... the ... pumpkin ... pie
      Mouth: I'd chew Joey Harrington out, but I'm saving my jaw muscles for dessert.
      Nose: This stinks. No really.
      Ears: I wish John Madden came with a mute button. Hey, I think Steve Mariucci's inner voice just cried out; something about the horror ... the horror.
      Eyes: If I see one more indigestion commercial I'm going to toss my - MMM, chocolate chip cookies.
      Mouth (slightly agape): Two words: food coma.
     
      Act I / Scene IV
       The place: a bathroom
      The time: 2:30 p.m.
      [Things go down the drain from here]
      Eyes (tearfully): I guess it was the green bean and onion casserole after all.
      Mouth: Hey Nose, if I have to take one more breath, the nostrils get a tongue lashing.
      Nose: Ahh ... sensory deprivation never smelled so good.
      Ears: Someone hit the fan - the Packers put Gilbert Brown in at quarterback.
     
      Act I / Scene V
       The place: a bedroom
      The time: 12:01 a.m.
      [Perchance to dream ... of a cold turkey sandwich]
      Eyes: Ohhh, I'm seeing drumsticks in my sleep.
      Nose: This stinks - even my dreams are fragrance free.
      Ears: I still can't believe what I heard today: a Lion laying an egg.
      Mouth (sleep chewing): I prefer my food for thought between two slices of bread - with some turkey and horseradish.
      Happy Thanksgiving
      Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416.