March 5, 2003
Birthday bash reaches epic proportions
By
Herald Editor
An event 365 days in the making, this Saturday our daughter celebrates her first whole number birthday.
More than a mere milestone, Ella's birthday party teeters on epic proportions. Kind of like Homer's "Iliad" with folding chairs and chocolate cake, but without the bloodshed. Elisabeth will fondly recall this day as her big fat French-Cuban-Irish-Protestant-Catholic birthday party.
It started with a simple enough premise: one-year-old, cake and a few guests. However, before you could say Martha Stewart the talk turned to homemade party hats and brunch for 30 people. My wife insists she hasn't gone overboard, but the D-Day invasion took less planning than this shindig.
For the past week, our phone has been ringing off the hook with party plans. How two people can talk about frosting for forty-five minutes is beyond my XY chromosome comprehension. Call me inane, obtuse or just a guy but I thought planning a party required two phone calls - the chip conversation and the beer buzz.
Of course to make the first birthday a happy one, even I realize that the male mindset must be ignored at all cost. After all, no child should have their presents wrapped in duct tape.
Instead this is a time to relish the roles of yes man, toad and gopher.
To be a successful yes man, you need only consider one thing - the rhetorical question. Unlike the New York Times Crossword Puzzle, these inquires don't require deep thought or a thesaurus. If any question starts out with the words "do you think" do yourself a favor and don't. Instead, wait for the end of the sentence and nod or shake accordingly.
The toad or gopher gig is easier on the moral dilemmas but harder on the back muscles. Just remember to stay on list at the grocery store - aerosol can cheese is not considered a party favor.
However, like method acting, you must make a full body commitment to these roles. No eye rolling, slack jaws or turning a deaf ear. Hopefully I can keep a straight face when Uncle Weldon dons his pink party hat with yellow butterflies and blue bees.
Ironically, the homemade hats and delicate decorations might not make an indelible mark on the guest of honor. Unless you count falling asleep face first in frosting. Hopefully Ella will stay coherent through a chorus of Happy Birthday. Anything past "you smell like a monkey and you act like one too" is bonus camcorder footage.
It may sound grammatically redundant, but you only turn one once. No other birthday can you get away with flinging cake at others, wetting yourself and passing out before 4 p.m. Although many consider these things a rite of passage when you hit 21.
After 365 days in the making, I hope this is the first of many happy birthdays for our daughter. Each passing year she'll find new reasons to make a wish while blowing out her candles: 13 years old, new parents; 16 years old, new car. At 22 she might wish for those old naked baby photos to be kept away from her new boyfriend.
Whatever the milestone, may it teeter on the edge of epic proportions.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com