June 11, 2003

Toddler throws first tantrum

By
Herald Editor

      Throughout her 15-month existence on planet earth, Ella has experienced a never ending array of firsts. First smile, first tooth, first word, first unsteady steps across the living room floor.
      This past Monday morning, our daughter had her first red-faced, full-body-flailing temper tantrum. Undoubtedly, the first of many such joys of parenthood.
      No morning glory myself, I can hardly fault Ella for not wanting to rise and shine. After all, a droopy diaper does not make for a merry demeanor. Lack of R.E.M sleep also makes you feel more trashed than Oscar the Grouch on garbage day on Sesame Street.
      Ella has been working up to this momentous toddler tantrum the past few months.
      Even when words failed her, body language made it evident that she was not amused. Much like a protester practicing civil disobedience, Ella will stiffen her body to resist diaper changes or bed times. Her tendons also tighten up about early exits from the bathtub. The carseat can cause a conundrum and the highchair painfully funny hi-jinks.
      Lately, however, she has taken to voicing her displeasure. The two little words she is big on using - "I know" - seem a strange choice. It is her meltdown mantra, as the more upset she gets, the quicker the chant.
      While I am to blame for other toddler transgressions, these words come from mimicking mommy.
      Early on, whenever Ella was upset, my wife would offer condolences starting with the same two words: I know. As in "I know baby, mommy's almost done" or "I know, daddy looks ridiculous sporting hipster-doofus sideburns."
      Even while choking back tears during a dreadful diaper change, Ella will continue to utter, "I know ... I know." Kind of like Kurtz finding his horror in Conrad's "Heart of Darkness." I have to say, it freaks me out sometimes.
      During a recent family trip to Chicago, we took the Metra into the Windy City. Against my better judgment, I decided to use the men's room on a moving train. Talk about the horror, the horror. I mention this moment because while inside the stainless steel loo, I heard a child crying on the train. At first I thought, "man, those poor parents," then I heard "I KNOW! .... I KNOW!! ... I KNOW!!!"
      For just a nanosecond, I thought about riding out the train trip in a bathroom too nasty for the ninth circle of hell.
      I know it sounds strange, but Ella is in an enviable position - her temper tantrums still border on cute. As an adult, it is unlikely that I could kick and scream and expect someone to hug and kiss me.
      Boss: "You need to finish your column in the next five minutes."
      Me: "I KNOW! ... I KNOW!" (flopping on the floor in the middle of the newsroom)
      Boss: "Everyone, this guy only gets decaf from now on."
      Despite being a new parent, I am not totally naive about the approaching terrible two tantrums. However, I will never be one of those slack-jawed parents watching my rabid child go "Chucky" in the middle of Toys-R-Us.
      Then again, the last sentence ignores the first rule of parenthood: never say never.
      Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com