July 2, 2003
Airplane column fails to take flight
By
Herald Editor
Honestly, this lead sentence was suppose to be about air travel.
After all, my intention was to write an urbane and witty piece about inflight movies and a four-day business trip to Oregon. Unlike my flight, the words didn't get off the ground.
Despite a written outline complete with Roman numerals, my airplane column was pure flight of fantasy. Sure it had potential - people who order turbo nose hair clippers from Sky Mall - but the first paragraph took longer to write than a Traverse City to Chicago flight.
It is inconceivable that such a rich subject like airplane travel could yield such poor results. After all, the writing topics seem endless: serious airport security, first class vs. coach, airline food, annoying passengers. I'm sure somewhere out there is a 300-word esoteric piece on barf bags.
After a half-day struggle, I only had flat pop culture references and a smattering of unintelligible alliteration. However, I did learn that Air Mexico was the only airline to purchase rights to show "Airplane" as an inflight movie. So it wasn't a total waste of six hours.
No need to mince words: I failed to make perfect column fodder fly. This is usually the point where a columnist succumbs to listing observations about bumper stickers, cell phone users and WMDs.
However, like any American, I blamed my ineptness on someone else. The guilty party was a much maligned literary figure: writer's block. It was the reason I stared at the minute hand for hours. It made me sort the bag of M&Ms by color. It got hung up on changing my telephone speed dial numbers.
However, what really bothers me about writer's block in the 21st Century is the lack of tangible outlets for angst.
Back in the days of Underwood typewriters, a guy looked like a struggling writer. Using just your index fingers, frustrations could be pounded out on the keys. If your verbiage was garbage, you would rip the typing paper out, ball it up and slam it into the round file. Better yet, you tossed it on the floor with the other wads of worthless words.
Today the best you can do is feverishly hit the delete key.
Of course when all else fails, you stoop to the lowest level - you write a self-help book on writer's block. Or in some cases a thinly veiled newspaper column. After all, no one is going to pay you for 15 minutes of free writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" on a yellow legal pad.
Perhaps after my next trip, I'll find the right urbane and witty words about air travel. A column with a dramatically satisfying last sentence that embeds in the ending a resonance of the lead - honestly.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com