December 31, 2003
WRC program empowers victims of violence
By Carol South
Herald contributing writer
Tears and smiles, fears and triumphs are just some of the emotions shared every Monday evening by members of the Women's Resource Center's Empowerment Group.
Gathering together for two hours a week, they can discuss their own situations, provide a listening and understanding ear to others and learn about the basics of domestic violence issues. These issues range from legal and social issues to day-to-day coping and piecing back together a life.
Co-facilitator Becky Garland leads off each week with a question: 'So how was your week?' As the women go around the room before diving into the day's discussion, the group provides that reality check, a realm of understanding to help heal lives of these survivors.
The specifics may vary - emotional, physical or sexual violence, family member or spouse, children involved or not - but the members share a common bond of family violence that no outsider ever really gets. Until you've lived in terror in your own home, tried to survive in an ever-tightening box of control, the concept domestic violence is just so many words.
The words are the realities of these women.
"I like the group because I know I am not alone and I know I am not crazy," said Rebecca. "It also helps me not make the same mistake twice."
Garland has been co-facilitating the group for five years, sharing duties with Gilda Allen. Also a legal advocate, Garland has worked with 1,500 clients in the past seven years.
"People here, a lot of them are in all stages," said Garland, who first came to the organization as a client. "This empowerment group is different, because women in our shelter come to it as well as women from the community."
At a session a few weeks ago, Garland outlined for the nine participants two models for relationships: the power and control wheel and the equality wheel. One showed a relationship fraught with indignities and a roadmap to violence. The other wheel gave an outline of healthy relationships.
Batterers have one goal in mind, no matter their tactics and regardless of the other person's behavior:
"They are after power and control: they want what they want when they want it and there's going to be hell to pay until they get it," she said.
With group members chiming in, using examples from their own lives, Garland listed examples of intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing and blaming, using the children, male privilege, economic abuse and coercion and threats.
Behaviors not explicitly violent ranged from hiding assets, stalking and name calling to guilt trips, isolation and smothering attention laced with jealousy. Smashing possessions is another favorite tactic, noted Garland.
"The batterer very rarely smashes his own things," she said. "Usually something of yours, not like the big-screen TV. What's the message? Next step is physical abuse."
When children were involved, as is often the case, Garland encouraged the women to show them healthy behaviors as they learn basic communication skills during childhood.
Doing this no matter what the batterer does can give these children a chance to break the intergenerational cycle of domestic violence.
"Keep modeling healthy behaviors for them and make sure you have healthy boundaries and healthy consequences for them," she said. "Follow through, even though sometimes it is really tough because you don't want to be the meanie, but sometimes the good parent is the one who disciplines."
Learning to read red flags, to recognize and avoid unhealthy relationships from the start, was important to "M," one of the group's members.
"I like it because it tells you the different kinds of relationships that are OK and not OK," she said. "Before I wasn't looking for those things."
The Women's Empowerment group meetings are held year round, with gatherings held both before and during the holiday weeks. As Garland noted, domestic violence does not take vacations.
"The domestic violence is always going on in the house," she said. "A lot of times the batterer will use the stresses around the holidays to continue the behavior."
For more information on the Women's Empowerment Group, call the Women's Resource Center at 941-1210.